Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-31-2005, 11:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
DontRunMeOver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: In your linen cupboard.
Posts: 1,166
Default A Lesson Learnt (Or is it Learned? Learned is an adjective?)

As somebody said once before, please be brutal. In particular I'd like you to tell me which lines are boring and should be replaced.
---

He left you burned
A cinder girl
A lesson learnt
A scar across your wrist

He made you doubt
Humanity
So unforgiving
Deaf to all your pleas

Just look me in the eye
Although a part of you has died
You can look me in the eye
Hold my gaze, those cheeks will dry

Your tears have fallen for the last time
I won’t be stolen from your side
Your tears have fallen for the last time
I won’t be the one to say goodbye

My stapled tongue
My mouth absurd
You fill this mind with poetry
But leave me lost for words

(I scat here and its works!)

So I’ll pour my thoughts out
Onto post-it notes
And leave them on your mirror each day
To let you see what I wrote

Just look me in the eye
Although a part of you has died
You can look me in the eye
Hold my gaze, those cheeks will dry

Your tears have fallen for the last time
I won’t be stolen from your side
Your tears have fallen for the last time
I won’t be the one to say goodbye

(random singing bits)
The last time
You say goodbye
The last time
I won't be the one to say goodbye
DontRunMeOver is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2005, 01:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
Atchin' Akai
 
right-track's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Unamerica
Posts: 8,696
Default

O.k. It's learned.

Also, I'd prefer if the 3 liners, had a fourth. (just for balance, mind!).

Just look me in the eye
Although a part of you has died
You can look me in the eye
Look deep inside my mind. (perhaps? Or repeat the second line, or a variation of it.)

Or... you can tell me to fuck off!
right-track is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2005, 03:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
riseagainstrocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: DC
Posts: 3,320
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver
As somebody said once before, please be brutal. In particular I'd like you to tell me which lines are boring and should be replaced.
---

A scar across your wrist

no. do not ever write about cutting. don't care if you do it or know someone who does. scar = beyond cliche
__________________
One note timeless, came out of nowhere...
riseagainstrocks is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-01-2005, 04:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
DontRunMeOver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: In your linen cupboard.
Posts: 1,166
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by right-track
O.k. It's learned.

Also, I'd prefer if the 3 liners, had a fourth. (just for balance, mind!).

Just look me in the eye
Although a part of you has died
You can look me in the eye
Look deep inside my mind. (perhaps? Or repeat the second line, or a variation of it.)

Or... you can tell me to fuck off!
I won't be saying that to you, as you've just been more helpful than you probably realise! That was the line I was having most trouble with and you've just given me a new idea for how I can add something that fits there. Great help!

Keep the criticisms coming.
DontRunMeOver is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



© 2003-2020 Advameg, Inc.