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Old 01-10-2006, 05:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Friends&Lovers

A/N: Don't say I didn't work hard on this because I did..this is the 3rd draft...

Also, the stuff in brackets is meant to be sung by another person. Like dialogue between two "friends"...

---

Friends and Lovers
I fit so nice... (oh so nice my love)
In the crook of your neck when I cry (you're crying?)
Don't let go, please, friend. (lover?)
Hold me till dawn. (till dawn?)
Love me like a lover should. (how should a lover love my love?)

I never told you directly
What the subtext was
Of our relationship.
Your not my friend. (I'm not?)
Your something I want you to be (whats that, my love?)

You're the one a thirst for (thirst for?)
You're my air (your air...?)
My being...(My being.)

Tears have made you blind (oh so blind my love)
I'm always there (you are?)
through the laughter (hahaha)
and the blindness
I'm everything a good friend should be
Friends and lovers (friends and lovers)

I'm your friend
Aren't I? (you are...)
That's really all I am to you...(you are?)
Much to my dismay (your dismay, my love?)

What's the difference between friends and lovers?
Theres always love. (love?)
Comfort, and laughter, too....(heh...)
Be more than my friend. (more than your friend?)
Be my lover. (...your lover?)

I hold you when you cry (you'd hold me to dawn...wouldn't you?)
I take away the sadness (yes you do, my love)
I give you back a smile. (your smile is the reason I'm alive today)

(I'm so sorry my friend.
Sorry it's this way.
Sorry I can't give you what you need)

But you can try!
Please be my lover!
Don't make me cry. (I'm sorry...don't make me cry, love.)
Give me back a smile. (a friendly smile I can do)

A tear falls.
A life ends.
Friends and lovers.

(I'm so sorry, my love.)
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Old 01-10-2006, 05:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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9 views and no reviews. I won't go psycho-bitch on your ass, I promise. You can hold me to it.
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Old 01-10-2006, 06:17 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Friends and Lovers
I fit so nice... (oh so nice my love)
In the crook of your neck when I cry (you're crying?)
Don't let go, please, friend. (lover?)
Hold me till dawn. (till dawn?)
Love me like a lover should. (how should a lover love my love?)

'I fit so nice' & 'In the crook of your neck when I cry' are way too different if you're trying to make this dialogue work. I can't imagine how it could be sung over music.

I never told you directly
What the subtext was
Of our relationship.
Your not my friend. (I'm not?)
Your something I want you to be (whats that, my love?)

Why don't your first three lines continue the 'dialogue'? You need continuity.


Tears have made you blind (oh so blind my love)
I'm always there (you are?)
through the laughter (hahaha)
and the blindness
I'm everything a good friend should be
Friends and lovers (friends and lovers)

'Hahaha' is not the best dialogue you could use.


Again, 'Heh' shouldn't be part of the dialogue.



Other than those couple things, it's not bad.
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Old 01-10-2006, 06:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hm, thank you for your intake. :]

What should I use to identify laughter other than those I put in the song, do you think?
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Old 01-12-2006, 05:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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bump
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Old 01-14-2006, 05:11 AM   #6 (permalink)
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either/or is here to once again comment on madein's songs. i liked it, first off. hahhaa is an alright dialogue if it's gonna be a laugh. maybe you should have them singing (i laugh). cept thats a bit lame. I like the use of the word lover. that word gets me going. in a lover sort of way . damn poor girl wants to be more than friends. i liked the last line, it can sort of ring out or something yeah.
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Old 01-14-2006, 06:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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:] Thanks e/o! Yea, the last line is supposed to ring out as the coughkeyboardcough fades out.

I know, I cry for this girl

Yes, tis going to be a laugh.
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