Could you make it? (rap, quote, song, hands)

Jadix · 03-20-2006, 01:01 AM

Chorus:
Could you make it
If nobody could see you
Could you make it
Would you sit and beg too?
Could you make it
With nowhere to go
Could you make it
Without a home

A woman came by our place
Three kids and no smiling face
She had love but empty hands
They had bags collecting cans
I wonder if at night she cries
Cuz her kids wont have nice lives
And she still looks in their eyes
Before they sleep and she lies

CHORUS

Saw a man sleep in the park
No shoes and his clothes were dark
Theres never food on his plate
Smokes some crack to pass the day
He feels some peace when he's high
Though he's dying otherwise
Sometimes men give up on life
Couldn't make it if he tried

CHORUS

CHORUS

either/or · 03-20-2006, 02:54 AM

hmmm...this really reminds me of like a rolling stone. especially the chorus. please say it has nothing to do with that.

One of them without some pants

I wonder if at night she cries - without pants? REMOVE

Living life out on the street - is that shi tty as shi t?
Sounds ****ty as **** to me

there are more things but im tired

Crashing Sun · 03-20-2006, 09:19 AM

The rhyming feels a little simple and some of them were raped. I dig the concept very much though the conlcusion is a bit cliché.

Jadix · 03-20-2006, 12:45 PM

Quote:

hmmm...this really reminds me of like a rolling stone. especially the chorus. please say it has nothing to do with that.

One of them without some pants

I wonder if at night she cries - without pants? REMOVE

Living life out on the street - is that shi tty as shi t?

Its
"sounds sh itty as f uck to me."
I wouldn't say it has nothing to do with that, they're both about homeless people. I wasnt thinking of that song at all when I wrote it though.

The person without pants was one of the kids, why should I remove that?

Quote:

The rhyming feels a little simple and some of them were raped. I dig the concept very much though the conlcusion is a bit cliché.

I wasn't even gonna write that conclusion last night but I said screw it and wrote the first thing to come to mind. I'll work on it.

Which rhymes got "raped"?

Crashing Sun · 03-20-2006, 02:19 PM

The only one that really bothers me is

Quote:

Saw a man sleep in the park
And I thought my life was hard?

The rest aren't as bad per se, my 2nd read-thru was better. Now, I'm sorta getting an Everlast vibe from this, or at least that's sort of how I see this song being produced.

Crazy Luv · 03-20-2006, 05:15 PM

I dont care what no one says, i like this one. the thing i think you have to fix is the very end though, the...

Quote:

Its ok to ball your eyes
Everybody does sometimes
If you cant keep up the fight
You just have to try try try

part

but besides that, i like it. i had a beat & everything for it.

Jadix · 03-22-2006, 02:34 PM

Ok I messed with the first two verses a little bit (edited main post). Now I just need some sort of conclusion. Should I end it with another account of another person and leave the listener feeling really low? A positive message would be nice, but I dont want it cliche. Any suggestions?

Crashing Sun · 03-22-2006, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jadix

Theres never food on his plate
Smokes some crack to pass the day

You fixed the other rhymes but this one needs help too. Is this a rap song? I would either have the next or same account kill hizself for a dark message or have him break thru somehow for a positive one. Depends on your mood or angle I guess.

Jadix · 03-22-2006, 04:04 PM

Its kind of rap, but has more of the tone of Sublime's Garden Grove.

03-20-2006, 01:01 AM	#1 (permalink)
Jadix infamous nimbus Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 140	Could you make it? Chorus: Could you make it If nobody could see you Could you make it Would you sit and beg too? Could you make it With nowhere to go Could you make it Without a home A woman came by our place Three kids and no smiling face She had love but empty hands They had bags collecting cans I wonder if at night she cries Cuz her kids wont have nice lives And she still looks in their eyes Before they sleep and she lies CHORUS Saw a man sleep in the park No shoes and his clothes were dark Theres never food on his plate Smokes some crack to pass the day He feels some peace when he's high Though he's dying otherwise Sometimes men give up on life Couldn't make it if he tried CHORUS CHORUS

03-20-2006, 02:54 AM	#2 (permalink)
either/or Don't think twice Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A basement on the hill Posts: 352	hmmm...this really reminds me of like a rolling stone. especially the chorus. please say it has nothing to do with that. One of them without some pants I wonder if at night she cries - without pants? REMOVE Living life out on the street - is that shi tty as shi t? Sounds **ty as ** to me there are more things but im tired __________________ Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation

03-20-2006, 09:19 AM	#3 (permalink)
Crashing Sun Idontthinkyouknow Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Out of the Frying Pan Posts: 102	The rhyming feels a little simple and some of them were raped. I dig the concept very much though the conlcusion is a bit cliché. __________________ People Against People "Scientists in Taiwan say they have bred three pigs that glow in the dark." (Support Spam)

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03-22-2006, 02:34 PM	#7 (permalink)
Jadix infamous nimbus Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 140	Ok I messed with the first two verses a little bit (edited main post). Now I just need some sort of conclusion. Should I end it with another account of another person and leave the listener feeling really low? A positive message would be nice, but I dont want it cliche. Any suggestions?

03-22-2006, 04:04 PM	#9 (permalink)
Jadix infamous nimbus Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 140	Its kind of rap, but has more of the tone of Sublime's Garden Grove.