Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-20-2006, 02:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
infamous nimbus
 
Jadix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 140
Default Could you make it?

Chorus:
Could you make it
If nobody could see you
Could you make it
Would you sit and beg too?
Could you make it
With nowhere to go
Could you make it
Without a home

A woman came by our place
Three kids and no smiling face
She had love but empty hands
They had bags collecting cans
I wonder if at night she cries
Cuz her kids wont have nice lives
And she still looks in their eyes
Before they sleep and she lies

CHORUS

Saw a man sleep in the park
No shoes and his clothes were dark
Theres never food on his plate
Smokes some crack to pass the day
He feels some peace when he's high
Though he's dying otherwise
Sometimes men give up on life
Couldn't make it if he tried

CHORUS



CHORUS
Jadix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-20-2006, 03:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
Don't think twice
 
either/or's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: A basement on the hill
Posts: 352
Default

hmmm...this really reminds me of like a rolling stone. especially the chorus. please say it has nothing to do with that.

One of them without some pants

I wonder if at night she cries - without pants? REMOVE


Living life out on the street - is that shi tty as shi t?
Sounds ****ty as **** to me

there are more things but im tired
__________________
Painstaking devotion and love
Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else

Isolation, isolation, isolation
either/or is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-20-2006, 10:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
Idontthinkyouknow
 
Crashing Sun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Out of the Frying Pan
Posts: 102
Default

The rhyming feels a little simple and some of them were raped. I dig the concept very much though the conlcusion is a bit cliché.
__________________
People Against People

"Scientists in Taiwan say they have bred three pigs that glow in the dark."

(Support Spam)
Crashing Sun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-20-2006, 01:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
infamous nimbus
 
Jadix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 140
Default

Quote:
hmmm...this really reminds me of like a rolling stone. especially the chorus. please say it has nothing to do with that.

One of them without some pants

I wonder if at night she cries - without pants? REMOVE


Living life out on the street - is that shi tty as shi t?

Its
"sounds sh itty as f uck to me."
I wouldn't say it has nothing to do with that, they're both about homeless people. I wasnt thinking of that song at all when I wrote it though.

The person without pants was one of the kids, why should I remove that?

Quote:
The rhyming feels a little simple and some of them were raped. I dig the concept very much though the conlcusion is a bit cliché.
I wasn't even gonna write that conclusion last night but I said screw it and wrote the first thing to come to mind. I'll work on it.

Which rhymes got "raped"?
Jadix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-20-2006, 03:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
Idontthinkyouknow
 
Crashing Sun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Out of the Frying Pan
Posts: 102
Default

The only one that really bothers me is

Quote:
Saw a man sleep in the park
And I thought my life was hard?
The rest aren't as bad per se, my 2nd read-thru was better. Now, I'm sorta getting an Everlast vibe from this, or at least that's sort of how I see this song being produced.
__________________
People Against People

"Scientists in Taiwan say they have bred three pigs that glow in the dark."

(Support Spam)
Crashing Sun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-20-2006, 06:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
Crazy Luv's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NY
Posts: 355
Default

I dont care what no one says, i like this one. the thing i think you have to fix is the very end though, the...
Quote:
Its ok to ball your eyes
Everybody does sometimes
If you cant keep up the fight
You just have to try try try
part

but besides that, i like it. i had a beat & everything for it.
Crazy Luv is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-22-2006, 03:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
infamous nimbus
 
Jadix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 140
Default

Ok I messed with the first two verses a little bit (edited main post). Now I just need some sort of conclusion. Should I end it with another account of another person and leave the listener feeling really low? A positive message would be nice, but I dont want it cliche. Any suggestions?
Jadix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-22-2006, 04:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
Idontthinkyouknow
 
Crashing Sun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Out of the Frying Pan
Posts: 102
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jadix
Theres never food on his plate
Smokes some crack to pass the day
You fixed the other rhymes but this one needs help too. Is this a rap song? I would either have the next or same account kill hizself for a dark message or have him break thru somehow for a positive one. Depends on your mood or angle I guess.
__________________
People Against People

"Scientists in Taiwan say they have bred three pigs that glow in the dark."

(Support Spam)
Crashing Sun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-22-2006, 05:04 PM   #9 (permalink)
infamous nimbus
 
Jadix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 140
Default

Its kind of rap, but has more of the tone of Sublime's Garden Grove.
Jadix is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



© 2003-2022 Advameg, Inc.