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Old 04-04-2006, 06:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
Crazy Luv's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NY
Posts: 355
Default dont wanna be

They all question me/
Label me as a dark emo/
But if they only could see/
That I’m not that shallow/
Don’t worry mommy/
You’ll still have a daughter, in the morning/
Nothing will be of bother/
Wounds won’t be revealed, to the naked eyes/
Of the many observers/
You’ve tricked me somehow/
Into helping you steal, away my identity/
Now in result, I’m starting to see/
Blank emotionless eyes stare back at me/
When I look into the mirror/
Or when I look into your eyes/
When I ponder away by the river/
Or at that tower where I started to die/
I just wanna break free/
Have no care in the world/
I wanna forget about yesterday/
Think there’s no tomorrow/
I don’t wanna be/
I just wanna break free from me/

Break away from me, from this, from you/
From anything else that’s bringing me down/
I don’t wanna carry this burden anymore/
I’m not the parent, you are/
I’m not the one who opened my legs/
To anyone who just talked sweetly/
Why are you doing this to me/
Please god, don’t let this be my destiny/
There must be more than this/
Must be a way out for me/
What are you teaching me/
Smoke, drink, just have a party/
All damn day, everyday of my life/
Well sorry mom that ain’t the life for me/
I just wanna break free/
Your turn to take care of me/
Have no care in the world/
I wanna forget about other days/
Think there’s a better tomorrow/
I don’t wanna be/
I just wanna break free from me/

The doctor doesn’t know what/
He’s flapping on about/
The only thing those pills will do/
Is run out/
This may be the end for me/
And all I got to remember/
Is the pain, the sorrow, your vain/
I use to think I was/
Your precious, your all/
But then he came and took my place/
You did nothing but watched me fall/
And you just stood there too/
And watched him take advantage of me/
That’s worse than what he could ever do to me/
Betrayal is worse death to thee/
I just wanna break free/
Bring this forth to justice/
Have no care in the world/
I wanna forget about that day/
Believe there’s no tomorrow/
I don’t wanna be/
I just wanna break free from me/


bolded is going to be replaced soon enough
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Old 04-05-2006, 02:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
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i like this. flow is nice. would love to hear with music!
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Old 04-05-2006, 03:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
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Location: In your linen cupboard.
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Quote:
I don’t wanna be/
I just wanna break free from me
This phrase lets the lyric down quite a lot. It does actually fit with the meaning of the song, which is quite surprising because I've seen similar phrases used probably hundreds of times in other songs where they've made no sense at all. Unfortunately, these two lines still sound very cliched. As they are positioned to be the hookline for the song it'd be better if you can come up with something more unique to put in their place.

That's the main thing you should change, there are other lines which could use work, for example:

Quote:
Or at that tower where I started to die
1. I don't understand what this line means.
2. It looks like it'll be too long to fit into a good melody. Of course, this depends on the music but even if it does fit in its current form you might find it'll sound better if you shorten it, make it punchier.

There must be other lines, but once again I don't have time to go into it more.
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Originally Posted by Katyppfan View Post
When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 04-05-2006, 03:58 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: NY
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thank you angel18 & DRMO(which im considering your advice).
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