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Old 04-07-2006, 02:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
that's my war face.
 
TrampInaTux's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,418
Default All over the place

We knew this a while ago
but only shared it today
they told us tomorrow
and we predicted it fine
we'll lie beneath the stairs
hands over our ears
we declare war on you
the suburbs of peace

Leave in my will
my last chance
leave in my will
save the last dance
leave in my will
hide from your face
leave in my will
all over the place

My design is unique
although I stay the same
we heard the marching
no words were shared
let's defeat hearts
let's run over hills
I know something new
it makes me feel alive

leave in my will
my last chance
leave in my will
save the last dance
leave in my will
hide from your face
leave in my will
all over the place




Any thoughts?
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Old 04-08-2006, 04:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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it's okay not your best though!
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Old 04-08-2006, 04:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
that's my war face.
 
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I know. This is a muddled version of a song I wrote a while ago that I unfortunately lost.
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Old 04-08-2006, 04:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Don't know how many times I've lost songs that I've written down! but anyway it's good I just think it needs something else to be honest!
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Old 04-08-2006, 05:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hobojesus
We knew this a while ago
but only shared it today
they told us tomorrow
and we predicted it fine
we'll lie beneath the stairs
hands over our ears
we declare war on you
the suburbs of peace

Leave in my will
my last chance
leave in my will
save the last dance
leave in my will
hide from your face
leave in my will
all over the place

My design is unique
although I stay the same
we heard the marching
no words were shared
let's defeat hearts
let's run over hills
I know something new
it makes me feel alive

leave in my will
my last chance
leave in my will
save the last dance
leave in my will
hide from your face
leave in my will
all over the place
I don't quite get what its about, but it sounds ok. Apart from the three lines I've underlined, which are rubbish, rubbish, rubbish. I'd say these three lines, for a chorus which requires something original, are way too cliched. If you're telling a very clear story then maybe you could get away with them, but this lyric is more ambiguous so you could do with words which sound more original and make people think more in the chorus.
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Originally Posted by Katyppfan View Post
When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 04-08-2006, 05:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
that's my war face.
 
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I realise about the save the last dance part, it was more of a stop gap before I thought up something better. I don't see the problem with the other two lines though, but hey you're the boss.
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Old 04-08-2006, 05:51 AM   #7 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hobojesus
I realise about the save the last dance part, it was more of a stop gap before I thought up something better. I don't see the problem with the other two lines though, but hey you're the boss.
Well, that's pretty reasonable. I would say that the other two lines were just a bit weak (they'd be fine in some contexts), whereas the save the last dance part was a bit painful and probably shouldn't be included even if it fitted perfectly!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katyppfan View Post
When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 04-14-2006, 05:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
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We knew this a while ago
but only shared it today
they told us tomorrow
and we predicted it fine
we'll lie beneath the stairs
hands over our ears
we declare war on you
the suburbs of peace
shared should be replaced with spoke of
fine should be well or something
we should be they, because saying we'll lie beneath the stairs/hands over our ears is saying you're trying to block it all out, hide away, trying to keep peace, not going against it.



Leave in my will
my last chance
leave in my will
save the last dance
leave in my will
hide from your face
leave in my will
all over the place
chyea...dont get this...

My design is unique
although I stay the same
we heard the marching
no words were shared
let's defeat hearts
let's run over hills
I know something new
it makes me feel alive
this just confused the hell out of me, so im not even going to say anything, but it does seem to need to be fixed up a bit.

edit: shared should be exchanged



leave in my will
my last chance
leave in my will
save the last dance
leave in my will
hide from your face
leave in my will
all over the place
you know what i think about this...


thats it...wow, mmkay...
But yea, i like this
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