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Old 05-09-2006, 12:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
w0rd
 
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Suva, Fiji
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Default My Lyrics

Ok guys this was my first ever attempt of writing lyrics I'm not acctually in a band but me and my friends are maybe starting one up (Me on drums) and if you could please comment on these I am only 12 surprisingly and I guess I'm pretty creative

EDIT: Just noticed wrong forum if a mod could move this not lock it I'd be grateful, thanks

Problems

Verse 1: Why does it feel like night all day, why is nothing going right today, there’s a problem that’s been bugging me, and it just won’t go away! I can see your insides, and it’s right in the back of my eyes, but then something happens…And everybody DIES!!!

Chorus:
It’s a problem that we all have… It’s something that we can’t stand… But then something important happens, and we lose our minds forever…!

Verse 2: Don’t you ever wonder? Who you can and can’t trust? Its just another problem…That just won’t go away! I can see your insides, and it’s right in the back of my eyes, but then something happens…And everybody DIES!!!

Chorus: x2

Bridge: x2
Problems…We have them everyday, why… Is there any need, Problems… What is the cause of them,…I am losing my MIND!!!

Chorus: ~Fades Out~

Please No harsh criticism (cristicise all you want but once you do it it stops there! After you're done maybe a bit of advice thanks )
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Old 05-09-2006, 08:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
Groupie
 
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Ehhh, it's alright, usually when you write lyrics you dont break it up like that, it usually looks like a poem you figure out the bridge and chorus and verse and stuff when you put instruments behind it.
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Old 05-16-2006, 04:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
you are freakin out, man
 
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although this wouldnt be a masterpiece otherwise, i still think it would be a good idea to figure out a better structure for your poems or songs. Just organizing them better not only helps make it easier to read, but can also help change the ideas you can get across, and help these ideas flow better
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Old 05-16-2006, 05:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
dontcareaboutyou
 
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It's really really generic. Too the point where it's hard to read. Read some good books and try again.
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