~~Final decisions~~ (single, song)

Crazy Luv · 07-31-2006, 06:50 PM

I stand here pondering
Of a final decision
Looking like a fool
But I don’t have much time
So I can't care about that
Shift to the right
Then to the left
If I make the wrong decision
Right here and now
It could mess up my whole day
Times running out
So I grab at what
I think is best
Look back as I’m walking away
At some of the choices
I left behind
Put the item in the shopping cart
Damn, it’s hard to
Choose one candy

explosions-in-my-pants · 07-31-2006, 07:49 PM

Umm I don't really like it. Seems like a poem/song you'd write because your bored, not because you have any real emotion to write about. Its clear the song is about making some kind of choice, but then the very last line just makes what little bit of the song that seemed any bit thoughtful, un thoughtful.

YOU CAN DO BETTER, AND HAVE!

Raine · 08-01-2006, 08:40 AM

your ending confuses the hell outta me.
I sense there's a metaphor/ hidden meaning in there.
I just don't get it.

I've wracked my brain trying to play around with words and it just doesn't work. I think you need to actually touch base on a single idea instead of being so vague adn using phrases that can apply to just about anything

I have no sugestions but to write something that seems to have a subject that the reader can clearly focus in on. I don't think you can dot at with this.A nd most of these lines suck or seem so random when read with the rest of what you have.

07-31-2006, 06:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
Crazy Luv a l'amou fou pou tout Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 355	~~Final decisions~~ I stand here pondering Of a final decision Looking like a fool But I don’t have much time So I can't care about that Shift to the right Then to the left If I make the wrong decision Right here and now It could mess up my whole day Times running out So I grab at what I think is best Look back as I’m walking away At some of the choices I left behind Put the item in the shopping cart Damn, it’s hard to Choose one candy

08-01-2006, 08:40 AM	#3 (permalink)
Raine Full-Time Hellion Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: PA Posts: 1,531	your ending confuses the hell outta me. I sense there's a metaphor/ hidden meaning in there. I just don't get it. I've wracked my brain trying to play around with words and it just doesn't work. I think you need to actually touch base on a single idea instead of being so vague adn using phrases that can apply to just about anything I have no sugestions but to write something that seems to have a subject that the reader can clearly focus in on. I don't think you can dot at with this.A nd most of these lines suck or seem so random when read with the rest of what you have. __________________ A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

07-31-2006, 07:49 PM	#2 (permalink)
explosions-in-my-pants angel of tragic days Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 924	Umm I don't really like it. Seems like a poem/song you'd write because your bored, not because you have any real emotion to write about. Its clear the song is about making some kind of choice, but then the very last line just makes what little bit of the song that seemed any bit thoughtful, un thoughtful. YOU CAN DO BETTER, AND HAVE!