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Old 08-10-2006, 12:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Heres Something Im Starting On..

Its no where near finished. I just want to know if its a good start. Or what i can change.

Verse 1

Im a Disoriented Teen
With a lot of Hate
I live my life without
breathing day to day
drowned by my own anxiety
I tend to cut my own throat


start of chorus

Strangled by the same line
that you slashed off once more..
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Old 08-10-2006, 12:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FailurexByxDesignerxJeans
Its no where near finished. I just want to know if its a good start. Or what i can change.

Verse 1

Im a Disoriented Teen
With a lot of Hate
I live my life without
breathing day to day
drowned by my own anxiety
I tend to cut my own throat


start of chorus

Strangled by the same line
that you slashed off once more..
You need something to link the first two stanzas that you have.
The first line of your frist stanza leaves me feeling a tad disoriented.
The concept has been done before and you're too being too vague to make this song stand out in a positive way amongst all the other songs about this subject.

I don't think this is a very good start to anything as is.

My suggestion is that you toss the first two lines enitrely and rewrite the first stanza so that the first line is a hook and then carry on with . . . whatever else it was you wanted to say

I live life
day to day
drowning in anxieties . . .
blah blah blah


or

I live life day to day
inhaling anxieties
and expelling . . . .

blah blah blah

I dunno
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Old 08-10-2006, 03:17 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quit trying to write like FFTL and do your own thing.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by METALLICA89 View Post
Ive seen you on muiltipul forums saying Metallica and slayer are the worst **** you kid go suck your **** while you listen to your ****ing emo **** I bet you do listen to emo music
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Old 08-10-2006, 03:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Who? Raine or the n00b?
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Old 08-10-2006, 03:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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The n00b.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by METALLICA89 View Post
Ive seen you on muiltipul forums saying Metallica and slayer are the worst **** you kid go suck your **** while you listen to your ****ing emo **** I bet you do listen to emo music
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Old 08-10-2006, 03:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Unoriginal and trite.
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Old 08-10-2006, 03:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by right-track
Who? Raine or the n00b?
clearly I attempt to rewrite some of her work so that it sounded better.

The idea of me writing int he manner in which Failure by Designer Jeans does makes me wanna rip my eyes out of their sockets
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Old 08-10-2006, 03:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swimintheundertow
Unoriginal and trite.
that made me think tripe..which is a gross food, whic also brings me to saying this song makes me want to vomit
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We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that.
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Old 08-10-2006, 05:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crowquill
Quit trying to write like FFTL and do your own thing.

Im not trying to be like them. They have never wrote anything. close to that.
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I'm a mess of insecurities
Attention starved with a narcissistic twist
Don't you think that I'm amazing?
Please tell me I'm worth dating
I have every reason not to leave home today
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Old 08-10-2006, 05:05 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FailurexByxDesignerxJeans
Im not trying to be like them. They have never wrote anything. close to that.
Yeah, they've written cliche angsty trash. This is cliche angsty trash.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by METALLICA89 View Post
Ive seen you on muiltipul forums saying Metallica and slayer are the worst **** you kid go suck your **** while you listen to your ****ing emo **** I bet you do listen to emo music
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