We all write poems here, love

TrampInaTux · 11-22-2006, 12:48 PM

What have I crept into?
This heart does not belong here
I stare at problems past
but they refuse to disappear
It's cruel to be this cold
Maybe I'm dead who knows?
There's a fear around you
I can feel it
Feel it in my trenches
where you are fighting this war
and losing!!

sleepy jack · 11-22-2006, 03:36 PM

I dont like the ending, its sort of weak and a bit on the cheesy side other then that its pretty good.

lisalove_music · 11-23-2006, 04:01 PM

nice one

Crowe · 11-23-2006, 08:20 PM

It's short and yet I feel it's too busy. I know that brevity is sometimes considered a virtue, but you have good material in which you can explore. If you do plan on keeping it this short, the last two lines are woefully out of place in a piece that is not completely about war.

11-22-2006, 12:48 PM	#1 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	We all write poems here, love What have I crept into? This heart does not belong here I stare at problems past but they refuse to disappear It's cruel to be this cold Maybe I'm dead who knows? There's a fear around you I can feel it Feel it in my trenches where you are fighting this war and losing!!

11-23-2006, 04:01 PM	#3 (permalink)
lisalove_music Groupie Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: London bridge Posts: 21	nice one __________________ Wen i come on this forum step aside.

11-23-2006, 08:20 PM	#4 (permalink)
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 699	It's short and yet I feel it's too busy. I know that brevity is sometimes considered a virtue, but you have good material in which you can explore. If you do plan on keeping it this short, the last two lines are woefully out of place in a piece that is not completely about war. __________________

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