Alo

I had a line in my head for a few days now... But I have no idea what to do with it. I tried something today, but it doesn't appeal to me at all. I'd like to change it so it does though. This is what I came up with till now:

you're a ramptourist in your own life
happiness just isn't right for you
you need fight after fight after fight
but we'll forgive you, it's ok this time
and again, then again, then once more, yet again
because you can't help it, no, because after all
you're a ramptourist in your own life
with a candid knife for the backs of innocents
go then kill a lamb, it'll come back from the dead
and forgive you, again then again, once more, yet again


Help?

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sleepy jack

Something I noticed, its sort of repetitive, you rhyme you with you. Also you could probaly change this "it'll come back to life" to something like come back from the dead, so you don't end up using life three times.

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Alo

I've changed that, you were right, it was kind of childish...

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lenrotche

at the risk of sounding stupid: what's a ramptourist?

Alo

When tourists go to a place where a ramp happened, it attracts ramptourists.

So in the song she's like a visiter in her own life, seeing all the disasters and chaos. But she doesn't feel appaled, this makes her life interesting, she needs chaos and fights.

I hope my wonderfull English has cleared that up for you...

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lenrotche

ah, thanks. i was still a bit confused for a while there.... the only meaning of ramp that i've ever known is like the inclined type that you walk up.

Alo

Ok, after the clearing up, any upbuilding critique for me?

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