Hell (house, song)

skindredluver · 01-31-2007, 07:35 PM

Its my very first one i posted so give me ways to make poems better and what not especially Crowquill your good at these kind of things.Here it is

I came home from school that night
I wish I had came earlier
Screams fill the house with freight
Not sure what to do
Im scared myself
He Hurts and hurts
Im forced to think
Hell is a place called home
I try to tell him to calm down
And its very painfull
Everything flys by him
Nothing matters to him
He doesnt know
That I think
Hell is a place called home

So yah thats it be brutal but not to brutal

Sneer · 01-31-2007, 07:43 PM

Seems this is from an experience very deep to you which always gives a poem more edge. But you need to be alot more descriptive and free in your approach, i like the "hell is a place called home" but its like your holding back to me.

skindredluver · 01-31-2007, 07:44 PM

Well thanks and ill work on it a little tonight and tomorrow

Loser · 02-01-2007, 03:37 PM

A great platform to make a great poem/song. I agree with stu get discriptive.

ZeppelinAir · 02-01-2007, 04:29 PM

more description and it will be great

skindredluver · 02-01-2007, 06:05 PM

Thanks all

Kevorkian Logic · 02-04-2007, 08:35 PM

"I came home from school that night
I wish I had came earlier"

I wish I had COME earlier

" Screams fill the house with freight"
All I can picture is that you live in some disneyworld haunted house, in which ghosts are popping out of the wall.

Also the same comment about your vocabulary as I have made before-- it's elementary at the best.

skindredluver · 02-05-2007, 03:35 PM

Why thank you!And i try to say it right but i type to fast sometimes

right-track · 02-05-2007, 04:14 PM

" Screams fill the house with freight"

Surely you mean 'fright'.

Unless of course the screams are the cause of cargo suddenly appearing in your home?

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-05-2007, 07:54 PM

Honestly...it sucks. The premise is fine, the execution sucked. It's just...boring. A lack of fright, of description, and of good word choice. Never end two consecutive lines with the same word. Ever. EVER. Sorry, but, you should probably rethink this one.

01-31-2007, 07:35 PM	#1 (permalink)
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 570	Hell Its my very first one i posted so give me ways to make poems better and what not especially Crowquill your good at these kind of things.Here it is I came home from school that night I wish I had came earlier Screams fill the house with freight Not sure what to do Im scared myself He Hurts and hurts Im forced to think Hell is a place called home I try to tell him to calm down And its very painfull Everything flys by him Nothing matters to him He doesnt know That I think Hell is a place called home So yah thats it be brutal but not to brutal __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

01-31-2007, 07:43 PM	#2 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	Seems this is from an experience very deep to you which always gives a poem more edge. But you need to be alot more descriptive and free in your approach, i like the "hell is a place called home" but its like your holding back to me. __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show

01-31-2007, 07:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 570	Well thanks and ill work on it a little tonight and tomorrow __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

02-01-2007, 04:29 PM	#5 (permalink)
ZeppelinAir Long time no see Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 512	more description and it will be great __________________ not that old signature

02-01-2007, 06:05 PM	#6 (permalink)
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 570	Thanks all __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

02-01-2007, 03:37 PM	#4 (permalink)
Loser The Professor Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: New York City Posts: 1,113	A great platform to make a great poem/song. I agree with stu get discriptive.

02-04-2007, 08:35 PM	#7 (permalink)
Kevorkian Logic Imperfectly Perfect Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 1,290	"I came home from school that night I wish I had came earlier" I wish I had COME earlier " Screams fill the house with freight" All I can picture is that you live in some disneyworld haunted house, in which ghosts are popping out of the wall. Also the same comment about your vocabulary as I have made before-- it's elementary at the best. __________________ "it is only through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect that a certain type of perfection can be attained"

02-05-2007, 03:35 PM	#8 (permalink)
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 570	Why thank you!And i try to say it right but i type to fast sometimes __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

02-05-2007, 04:14 PM	#9 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,723	" Screams fill the house with freight" Surely you mean 'fright'. Unless of course the screams are the cause of cargo suddenly appearing in your home?

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode