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Old 02-07-2007, 06:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
Let it drip
 
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 5,430
Default (i'm not good at titles) untitled #3

Its very much a work in progress, i like one half a lot more than the other but i want criticism, so fire away. I know i somehow have to address the narrative structure but ignore that.

In air,
She sits,
Smothered in cloud
Yet her beauty shines bright
Unveiling the shroud
Remitted in dusk
I solemnly stare
As she ebbs away
Evading my glare
Immersed in the irony
Of a tranquil night
I dream of this beacon
This blissful light
And the wistful breeze
That soothes the core
Of a savage deity
Upon the shore
So now you must see
In perennial mist
I sit here alone
Entrenched in the piste
Of a million stars
Too far away
A million beacons
Shine in a day
Yet yours is my beam
And sodden with grief
To which I am shackled
As the single dead leaf
Crumbles upon
The dry scorched earth
You maim for its sin
The sin of rebirth
See you are divine
The bearer of fruits
Laced with a venom
Your envy recruits
And though you are tinged
With a myriad of flaws
I solemnly stare
Its you I adore.
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