............Short. (Lute)

TrampInaTux · 02-10-2007, 06:14 AM

This is probably where, I lose my independence
To a street savvy girl who appreciates the necklace
I just bought her, she never noticed the price
but no matter how little it set me back I still feel as nice
There's a herd of sheep and they're running through town
half of them with shirts off, the others with their trousers down
and it's alright cos my eyes don't move
from the *** butts on the ground and my muddy shoes

Loser · 02-10-2007, 07:57 AM

I don't like this piece it seems that there is still alot of gaps to fill it seemed to jump alot. And where did the sheeps come from? clariffie that part.

Alo · 02-10-2007, 08:11 AM

^ Never heard of people following the herd? Them being sheep just makes them one opinion less crowd. So the mainstream people you find in towns.

At least, that's what I'm guessing he means.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-10-2007, 08:33 AM

It seemed to be written the way a prose would, you just used line breaks. The description was pretty hackneyed, particularly sheep. The independence/necklace rhyme was the only one worth keeping. The last line was absolutely terrible.

Sorry, but, this needs a lot of work.

TrampInaTux · 02-11-2007, 05:54 AM

Yeah, realised it wasn't that good.

I just felt like writing something, but didn't really have anything to draw inspiration from at the time...

ah well, always next time.

02-10-2007, 06:14 AM	#1 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	............Short. This is probably where, I lose my independence To a street savvy girl who appreciates the necklace I just bought her, she never noticed the price but no matter how little it set me back I still feel as nice There's a herd of sheep and they're running through town half of them with shirts off, the others with their trousers down and it's alright cos my eyes don't move from the *** butts on the ground and my muddy shoes

02-10-2007, 08:11 AM	#3 (permalink)
Alo Scarf Join Date: May 2006 Location: Brighton, UK Posts: 715	^ Never heard of people following the herd? Them being sheep just makes them one opinion less crowd. So the mainstream people you find in towns. At least, that's what I'm guessing he means. __________________ I rocked my shoelaces untied

02-10-2007, 07:57 AM	#2 (permalink)
Loser The Professor Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: New York City Posts: 1,113	I don't like this piece it seems that there is still alot of gaps to fill it seemed to jump alot. And where did the sheeps come from? clariffie that part.

02-11-2007, 05:54 AM	#5 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	Yeah, realised it wasn't that good. I just felt like writing something, but didn't really have anything to draw inspiration from at the time... ah well, always next time.