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Old 02-11-2007, 06:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
Let it drip
 
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i expect criticism for this, its not my natural style but i want to broaden my approach.

You sat, stark, no remorse
And I felt a tinge of panic scatter
Through this weathered frame
This mangled brain
And still you sat, nothing, stark.

A flurry of tears, dimming lights
A cacophony of silence
Baited breaths, snatched from the
Shores of a rapid flow
And still you sat, stark

Numbing hate, ice cold
Brazen fear, eclipsed by the
Tenures of scornful eye
In murky air
You sit, stark, reviled.
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Old 02-11-2007, 06:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Its pretty, but kind of trite, it doesn't have much substance.
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Ive seen you on muiltipul forums saying Metallica and slayer are the worst **** you kid go suck your **** while you listen to your ****ing emo **** I bet you do listen to emo music
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Old 02-11-2007, 06:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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as in what? it lacks description, metaphor? meaning?
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Old 02-11-2007, 06:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Meaning, I think you need to add another verse or something that gets more indepth on it.
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Ive seen you on muiltipul forums saying Metallica and slayer are the worst **** you kid go suck your **** while you listen to your ****ing emo **** I bet you do listen to emo music
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Old 02-11-2007, 06:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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lol, that post probably sounded really arseish, i meant 'meaning?' as in does it lack meaning? i'll work on another verse or two.
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Old 02-11-2007, 09:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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A flurry of tears, dimming lights
A cacophony of silence
Baited breaths, snatched from the
Shores of a rapid flow
^ The only part I can truly say I enjoyed reading. The rest was boring, trite, and needs more meaning, as Ethan said. Your word choice, aside from the part I pasted, wasn't that great either, particularly verse one. Less commas.
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Old 02-11-2007, 09:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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A cacophony of silence
Only Wilde can pull off a blatant paradox. It stands out, and my mind goes "that can't happen" then realizes it's intentional, but is still annoyed.
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Old 02-12-2007, 06:50 AM   #8 (permalink)
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^ how can you say 'only wilde can pull off a blatant paradox'? many poets have utilised it to great effect, im thinking gray, tennyson, healy and ****inson in particular. in fact, its a pretty common feature in poetry i say. i just obviously, in your opinion, didnt use it very well in this instance.
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Old 02-12-2007, 01:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I thought the cacophony of silence line was the best here.
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Old 02-12-2007, 03:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stu View Post
^ how can you say 'only wilde can pull off a blatant paradox'? many poets have utilised it to great effect, im thinking gray, tennyson, healy and ****inson in particular. in fact, its a pretty common feature in poetry i say. i just obviously, in your opinion, didnt use it very well in this instance.
Strummer actually said something similarly generalizing in my song thread. ("If you don't want to be a bit subtle, it might make sense to write prose").

What's the deal Strumstrum? You seem to think only in blacks and whites.
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