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Old 03-01-2007, 09:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default sick of it all

why the heck are dogs are barking at me?
why the heck is the wind mocking me?
even the way the branches blow in the trees,
it seems like god is against me,
I don't have time to sit here and explain it,
even though I have all the time in the world,
when I walk into a store, I think,
should they all pay attention to me,
or should I let them go about their business,
but by letting them go about their business,
am I being too unsociable?
I guess I'm really kind of sick of it all,
and if you wonder about my state of mind,
don't worry it's been this way now for some time,
I just keep tumbling down the hill,
only to get up and do the same thing over and over again,
the smilies to my right are a sharp remembrance of
what my life is like, there's always someone
beating you over the head, and always someone
cheering you on, why should I go on,
only to be crushed again, when does the crushing end,
sometimes I can laugh when I'm falling down,
hitting every stone along the way,
other times I want to swing,
and other times I am afraid,
will I be able to look myself in the mirror,
the next time it happens,
who the hell cares?
all I know is I'm sick of it all
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Old 03-02-2007, 12:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheUsedToolguy View Post
why the heck are dogs are barking at me?
why the heck is the wind mocking me?
heck?

Quote:
or should I let them go about their business,
but by letting them go about their business,
seems redundant

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and if you wonder about my state of mind,
don't worry it's been this way now for some time,
Good line

Quote:
who the hell cares?
either use "heck" the whole time, or "hell" the whole time.
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Old 03-02-2007, 12:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Using words like heck, darn, shoot,dang,flip to emphasis...your selling the point short.
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“See I think drugs have done some good things for us, I really do, and if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor: go home tonight and take all your albums, all your tapes, and all your cds and burn 'em. 'cause you know the musicians who made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years.... rrrrrrrrreal f**kin high on drugs.”
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Old 03-02-2007, 04:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I agree with NaNaNer and Oojay. Two questions in a row = bad. Use symmetry, and by that I mean, have a one line verse; the question, then have a verse describing the scene, where it happened, the dogs, and all that, then repeat with the second question. Rhyming business with business, also bad. Unsociable kills the flow, pick a better flowing word.

Sometimes I can laugh when I'm falling down,
hitting every stone along the way,
other times I want to swing,
and other times I am afraid,
^ And some times you repeat words too much.

sharp remembrance
^ On the positive side, I liked that.

Edit: This isn't a critique on your poem/song, but a critique on your behavior. Stop acting like a child.
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What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 03-02-2007, 05:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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^ On the positive side, I liked that.
PaperHurricansesandairplanes-positive? There's a first
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Old 03-02-2007, 05:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hahahaha. I'm positive if there is something to be positive about. Unfortunately, in the world of Internet Poetry, that leaves very little.
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Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:

What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 03-02-2007, 06:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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yeah, my poetry doesn't tend to be very vague, cuz I figure I'm probably not a real well known poet who can afford that kind of ambiguity.
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Old 03-02-2007, 06:03 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I never said vague, but I did mean interesting.
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Quote:
Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:

What's with people dying? Shit.
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