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Old 03-07-2007, 04:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Tears Like Rain

You smell like paradise
Standing in my driveway
Damp hair holding my head up, our
Arms wrapped around each other, sparks shooting-

"It's raining", say my pants, still wet from
Splashing in and out of puddles
I held your hand while laughing
We laughed all the way to the car-

The rain still plummets and emotions soar
My heart beckons for my mind to keep pace
My mind is so far behind.
Rain dissociates into tiny waves on the pavement
But the waves are violent, and splash away
Our reflection made in inconsistent oceans
My vision is blurred as I tilt my head back to smile at the sky
It does not return the greeting.

These water molecules don't hurt our
Faces, arms, hands, or hearts, but they have jumped:
From skyscrapers thousands of stories tall
From lives short stories long
From dissipating homes like sad stories
From toppling bookcases in heaven

I've read of death before, but
Never felt it fall on my face
In cold swipes each loss makes my skin a little more pale,
My eyes more blurry
I have never realized that so much sorrow descended so frequently

Before you depart, in these last minutes
My mind has stopped with the lives of the rain drops
I try to catch them with my eyes
But they continue to hit the ground
My increasingly distorted vision can't catch any rain drops at all
They give way every single impact
Every life has turned into a destroyed reflection-
Everyone is dying; with me as their witness.

You don't seem to notice, the rain is
Thick, and we are soaked
My head is buried in your hair
Tears stream from my eyes-

You don't seem to notice, the rain is
Thick, and we are soaked
My tears hit you just as the rain hits the pavement-

You don't seem to notice, the rain is
Thick, and we are soaked
My soul is pouring onto your hair
A part of me is dying on you, just as
A part of the earth goes back to itself when the rain drops die on the ground
I pull back to look at your eyes
They are grey and blurry-

I didn't seem to notice, the rain was
Thick, and we were soaked, but
You were pouring yourself into me as well-

We didn't seem to notice, the rain was
Thick, and we were soaked, but
In the places where the rain fell on the pavement, the next day
Flowers sprung up through the cracks-

Many years have passed since then
We are no longer a youthful pair,
But for as long as I can remember,
A daisy has been held in your hair.


-Jake





I separated this into stanzas, it was one big blob on my comp. book.
Sorry if there are any spelling errors, I typed this out quickly.
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Old 03-07-2007, 04:34 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I think perhaps the greatest thing about music is that each individual piece has different meaning for every person. Me? I think your individual piece is great.
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Old 03-07-2007, 04:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you for the comment.
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Old 03-07-2007, 04:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
These water molecules don't hurt our
Faces, arms, hands, or hearts, but they have jumped:
From skyscrapers thousands of stories tall
From lives short stories long
From dissipating homes like sad stories
From toppling bookcases in heaven
I especially like this stanza, though I think 'droplets' would be more appropriate than 'water molecules'.

The rest of the poem contains some fragments that throw off the tone, and seem out of place, such as 'increasingly distorted' and 'laughing'. Lastly, I think the end became too repetitive, and too philosophical, another departure from the original tone.

Just my opinions. I really like the aforementioned stanza, though; great wordplay with the 'Lives short stories long'.
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Old 03-07-2007, 11:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I really liked your comment.
"molecules" because I was thinking in terms of them having individual life spans, being the smallest they could possibly be.
"Increasingly distorted" referred to about to cry.
Laughing does seem out of place a little.
I wrote this in about 10 minutes, that's why it was just a blob, I didn't mean for it to have any planned tone or structure, it was just what I was thinking about at the time.

Thank you very much!
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