A Message in the Dark (lyrics, dance, house, effect)

IrishWhiskey · 04-20-2007, 10:26 PM

Hey... I found this site in my favorites the other day, I joined it a while ago then kind of forgot about it, I forgot what a great site it was.

Anyway, I'm the main lyricist in my band... so here's something of mine. Any comments are welcome.

A Message in the Dark

I wrote a message in the dark
Wakened by the passing cars
grabbed a pen and emptied out my heart

Old cliches and reused words
Thrown into an empty song
[Feels] like I've already waited too long

I sent a message in the dark
[But] I'd rather have you talk with me
'Bout how this world was made for you and me

[Now] I'll just linger at the door
Knowing that you won't be home
Wait four years and see your smile again

You say you've crossed a thousand seas,
But now you're drowning in a stream of
thoughts and bits of you and me?

All that glitters is not gold
Take a fall from a first glance, you don't
realize that life's not a slow dance

I scratched a message in the dark
I can't remember what I wrote
Fallacy, it was just a note.. right?

sleepy jack · 04-21-2007, 03:13 AM

Quote:

I wrote a message in the dark
Wakened by the passing cars
grabbed a pen and emptied out my heart

I'd switch wrote a message in the dark and passing cars, and take out heart. Heart is kind of overdone but can be used effectively and its not here.

Quote:

Old cliches and reused words
Thrown into an empty song
[Feels] like I've already waited too long

Having read this, are you trying to use old cliches and reused words to form an empty song? You could do a better job at it because this doesn't have many of them only a few.

Quote:

I sent a message in the dark
[But] I'd rather have you talk with me
'Bout how this world was made you and me

Try not to rhyme a word with the same word, it sounds bad. I suggest cutting it, message in the dark isn't that strong of a line and shouldn't be repeated that soon.

Quote:

[Now] I'll just linger at the door
Knowing that you won't be home
Wait four years and see your smile again

Wait four years to see your smile would be better.

Quote:

You say you've crossed a thousand seas,
But now you're drowning in a stream of
thoughts and bits of you and me?

This is probably my favorite part out of the whole thing I don't have much of a problem with it.

Quote:

All that glitters is not gold
Take a fall from a first glance, you don't
realize that life's not a slow dance

All that glitters is not gold wasn't cliche when shakespeare used it, but it is now. You could probably find a different metaphor to describe pretty things not being great. It doesn't even have to be that different, just slightly different.

Quote:

I scratched a message in the dark
I can't remember what I wrote
Fallacy, it was just a note.. right?

This was a rather weak ending, I don't know what type of music its set to I guess it could work with some others not so much.

I thought the piece was bland and didn't hold anything interesting, I don't know what to say to fix it since the subject is kind of lame and the things you talk about are pretty vague.

IrishWhiskey · 04-21-2007, 11:23 AM

Sorry its not up to your standards. :/ I've read some of your stuff and know I'll never be able to write like that. Absolutely brilliant.

Thanks for the criticism... I didn't even notice some of the stuff you pointed out, especially the me-me rhyming in the third verse.

I guess the whole point of it is kind of vague. I wake up in middle of night and write something down, feel need to tell it to her, go to her house, not there, I sit and think a bit, go home, the next day I forget what I wrote. That's sort of what I was going at, but I suppose its portrayed somewhat unclearly to a third party who doesn't really know the point I was trying to make. The "old cliches" part was in reference to what I wrote down I guess... like the things I wanted to tell her had been told for years, but I still had to tell her them. Yeah, I use a couple cliche'd phrases in the song, but give me a break.

Here's the link to the song: purevolume™ | Trotter's Field

Feel free to tell me if you like it/how I could improve it, it was already recorded by the time I posted the lyrics, so sorry I couldn't change them.

Thanks!

04-20-2007, 10:26 PM	#1 (permalink)
IrishWhiskey Music Addict Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: new jersey Posts: 48	A Message in the Dark Hey... I found this site in my favorites the other day, I joined it a while ago then kind of forgot about it, I forgot what a great site it was. Anyway, I'm the main lyricist in my band... so here's something of mine. Any comments are welcome. A Message in the Dark I wrote a message in the dark Wakened by the passing cars grabbed a pen and emptied out my heart Old cliches and reused words Thrown into an empty song [Feels] like I've already waited too long I sent a message in the dark [But] I'd rather have you talk with me 'Bout how this world was made for you and me [Now] I'll just linger at the door Knowing that you won't be home Wait four years and see your smile again You say you've crossed a thousand seas, But now you're drowning in a stream of thoughts and bits of you and me? All that glitters is not gold Take a fall from a first glance, you don't realize that life's not a slow dance I scratched a message in the dark I can't remember what I wrote Fallacy, it was just a note.. right?

04-21-2007, 11:23 AM	#3 (permalink)
IrishWhiskey Music Addict Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: new jersey Posts: 48	Sorry its not up to your standards. :/ I've read some of your stuff and know I'll never be able to write like that. Absolutely brilliant. Thanks for the criticism... I didn't even notice some of the stuff you pointed out, especially the me-me rhyming in the third verse. I guess the whole point of it is kind of vague. I wake up in middle of night and write something down, feel need to tell it to her, go to her house, not there, I sit and think a bit, go home, the next day I forget what I wrote. That's sort of what I was going at, but I suppose its portrayed somewhat unclearly to a third party who doesn't really know the point I was trying to make. The "old cliches" part was in reference to what I wrote down I guess... like the things I wanted to tell her had been told for years, but I still had to tell her them. Yeah, I use a couple cliche'd phrases in the song, but give me a break. Here's the link to the song: purevolume™ \| Trotter's Field Feel free to tell me if you like it/how I could improve it, it was already recorded by the time I posted the lyrics, so sorry I couldn't change them. Thanks!