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Old 07-16-2007, 12:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default No Title Yet, But Here's A Poem

Here's something I wrote...I can tell you what it's about if any of you are curious.



The single, fractured, shard of the sun -
battered by solid rain -
Holds us close in its tired glow
While it wanes for what seems like forever.

The earth wraps her arms around me, dying
to keep us apart; But I won't retreat to
The concrete cage that lies beneath
our glittering nest.

Nothing so pure as the flight of a pen
Over seas of white would we ever see,
Breathing life into the stories that
Kept us together.

And in our little nest flight comes
Naturally; And we come naturally
to an end but the nest remains as
Glowing and open as in our final days.




Poems just look cooler in italics. Any (constructive) criticism is welcome.

Last edited by Ornette; 07-29-2007 at 10:11 PM.
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Old 07-25-2007, 09:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Anyone?
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Old 07-25-2007, 12:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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WHat's it about? How long have you been writing poetry?
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Old 07-26-2007, 03:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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very pretty and smooth words but its too much imagery i think and not enough actual meaning . . .it could mean anything so how can you relate to it?
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Old 07-26-2007, 04:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Got ya. I'll edit it to have a more solid meaning sometime soon.
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Old 07-29-2007, 03:54 AM   #6 (permalink)
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nice vocab. it flows nice, i like
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Old 07-29-2007, 09:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I don't know if all the S's in the beginning were intentional or not, but I think its a bit much, maybe change shattered to broken? Because the battered which is the only keyword that doesn't begin with S (well and rain but thats the last word) seems to be, well like a sip of water in the desert but you want more then just one if that makes sense.

Thats the only thing I noticed about it that I had a problem with, I liked it alot.
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Old 07-29-2007, 10:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I honestly didn't notice the s's, so thanks for pointing that out.

I think I'll go with "fractured" in place of "shattered".
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