Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-30-2007, 07:29 AM   #1 (permalink)
Music Rapist
 
TheCaster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somewhere in the U.S
Posts: 400
Default Help with flowingness....

Haha you know you love that terminology. But im having an unusually hard time making it flow... Suggestions on making it better are good too.
The crevices:

Whats going through your head
Your falling in
Just because they jump
doesnt mean you have to follow
Have you been cleansed
or is there dirt underneath your nails

the crevices are closing in
hold them back
or you'll fall in

The pigs are off the cliff
leaving you alone
to decide for yourself
Will you jump or follow me?
the red ant in the millions of black
will you stand out? or blend in

the crevices are closing in
hold them back
or you'll fall in

NEW ENDING:
When the time comes
and they all decide to fold
Its your decision to make
Time is running short
Find the light

the crevices have closed
its too late
you've fallen in
__________________
A soul in tension thats learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit

Last edited by TheCaster; 11-30-2007 at 12:06 PM.
TheCaster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-30-2007, 10:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
ItsRed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 48
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheCaster View Post
Haha you know you love that terminology. But im having an unusually hard time making it flow... Suggestions on making it better are good too.
The crevices:

Whats going through your head
Your falling in
Just because they jump
doesnt mean you have to follow
Have you been cleansed
or is there dirt underneath your nails

the crevices are closing in
hold them back
or you'll fall in

The pigs are off the cliff
leaving you alone
to decide for yourself
Will you jump or follow me?
the red ant in the millions of black
will you stand out? or blend in

the crevices are closing in
hold them back
or you'll fall in

NEW ENDING:
When the time comes
and they all decide to fold
Its your decision to make
Time is running short
Find the light

the crevices have closed
its too late
you've fallen in
It's kind of rough to tell how lyrical the flowiness of the lyrics sound by just reading them, a person can flowy out syllables any number of ways.

If you could only write two lines to say everything you want to say about the subject of this song what would they be?

I know of the top of my head one line it made me think of was-

-We got lemons and we got lemmings-

another

-There's a comfort in conforming and it's at the bottom of a cliff-

Try just writing it all in two lines though and see what you get.

If you're just asking from a traditional writing stand point, you've got the three act verse thing going on...although maybe the second and third should be switched.
__________________
Dark Circle : They're here. Rocking your black night world since 2007.
http://www.unsignedbandweb.com/music/bands/7789/
ItsRed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-30-2007, 10:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
Account Disabled
 
under's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,056
Default

the flowiness is hard to follow only because some things don't have enough information about them

for instance

"the crevices are closing in
hold them back
or you'll fall in

The pigs are off the cliff
leaving you alone
to decide for yourself
Will you jump or follow me?
the red ant in the millions of black
will you stand out? or blend in

the crevices are closing in
hold them back
or you'll fall in"

these few stanzas are good its just they need more into them. like they just dont have much to them which throws off the flowiness of the song/poem

also.
try to use a more creative word choice.

yours
the crevices are closing in
hold them back
or you'll fall in

new version
the crevices that i fear are slowly beginning to close in
i will try to hold them back,
but with fail you will fall in

you see?
more words = more power

i like it though there are just a few things you forget. but dont give up. you always get better through experience.

under is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2007, 09:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
Music Rapist
 
TheCaster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somewhere in the U.S
Posts: 400
Default

Ahh thanks i shall try these things
__________________
A soul in tension thats learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit
TheCaster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2007, 11:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
Account Disabled
 
under's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 1,056
Default

cool. im looking forward to your next set of lyrics.
under is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-02-2007, 03:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
Music Rapist
 
TheCaster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somewhere in the U.S
Posts: 400
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by awriterslastresort View Post
cool. im looking forward to your next set of lyrics.
wow thanks, ill probably post the one im working on now in a week or two
__________________
A soul in tension thats learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit
TheCaster is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes



2003-2019 Advameg, Inc.

SEO by vBSEO 3.5.2 ©2010, Crawlability, Inc.