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Old 12-01-2007, 05:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default snow on the heart of elders

Living with a cold sore on the heart of gratitude

you take me with no surprise
that you dont feel love anymore.
at least not with me.
you brought yourself to a black hole.
that will never close again.

i wake up in the morning to rain or sunlight
and whenever i see you standing there
i automatically get a shock to my skin
to get out and get away from you as fast as i can
because i dont want to have a day where i cant survive

you dont see it in my eyes
but i cant live anymore with you guiding me
because whatever you believe is wrong
its something i am

theres nothing i can do with you looking
because i cant walk with you

Last edited by under; 12-01-2007 at 07:29 PM.
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Old 12-01-2007, 07:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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1st stanza, its kinda just one big long sentence, try to break it up a bit

2nd stanza, beautiful! great emotion there

3rd and 4th stanza, this is great it has a depth too it that makes it insane.

Beautiful work
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Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit
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Old 12-01-2007, 07:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
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thanks i was having a bit of writers block which is why the 1st stanza seems to have went a little off. ill fix it.
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