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acenoface 12-10-2007 12:40 PM

acenoface's Songwriting Journal
Searched my person without cause
Tossed me like a salad
Brain was charging like a herd
No way to corral it
Made me take an orange pill
Easy on the palate
Could a word be more obscene
Here's my date with thorazine

Bright and shiny was the creed
For my new religion
Messianic fantasies
Maniac's ambitions
How'd a little orange pill
Beat me to submission?
Psychotropics flo.or the teen
Here's my date with thorazine

Magic powers
Granted me by cannabis
Reading thoughts and causing frozen time
Quit those outbursts
Said the psychoanalyst
Even though I'm feeling so sublime

What a lucky group of friends
Heard their sad confessions
Learned a lot about the world
Therapeutic sessions
Changing personalities
Immature regressions
Antivenom for a dream
Here's my date with thorazine

Ace 12-10-2007 07:25 PM

Couldn't read past the first 5 lines....rhyming is terrible.

acenoface 12-12-2007 11:07 AM

boo hoo, you break my heart :)

I guess this guy has never heard of near rhymes, cause damn if I'm gonna rhyme salad with ballad

Dizzys in the wolf 12-12-2007 11:13 AM

maybe you could try and fill it out a little more, cause at the minute it reads a bit like bullet points rather than a song.

acenoface 12-12-2007 02:16 PM

it's not poetry, they're lyrics. they're meant to be sung, not read.

Dizzys in the wolf 12-12-2007 02:19 PM

Dude, its just a suggestion, but singing in bullet points isn't really much different.

Ace 12-13-2007 07:06 AM

Meh. I put it to every tune I could think of....I give it 1/10.

Dizzys in the wolf 12-13-2007 10:46 AM

it actually works scarily well with "Pop goes the weasel".

acenoface 12-13-2007 12:26 PM

let's see if either of these critics can come up with their own trisyllabic mosaic rhyme for thorazine

Dizzys in the wolf 12-13-2007 12:27 PM

like Magazine? (''.)

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