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Old 12-10-2007, 11:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default acenoface's Songwriting Journal

Searched my person without cause
Tossed me like a salad
Brain was charging like a herd
No way to corral it
Made me take an orange pill
Easy on the palate
Could a word be more obscene
Here's my date with thorazine

Bright and shiny was the creed
For my new religion
Messianic fantasies
Maniac's ambitions
How'd a little orange pill
Beat me to submission?
Psychotropics flo.or the teen
Here's my date with thorazine

Magic powers
Granted me by cannabis
Reading thoughts and causing frozen time
Quit those outbursts
Said the psychoanalyst
Even though I'm feeling so sublime

What a lucky group of friends
Heard their sad confessions
Learned a lot about the world
Therapeutic sessions
Changing personalities
Immature regressions
Antivenom for a dream
Here's my date with thorazine
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Old 12-10-2007, 06:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Couldn't read past the first 5 lines....rhyming is terrible.
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I think I know much better than you ever will how Mettalica is. I used to play for 2 years in a Mettalica cover band.



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Old 12-12-2007, 10:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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boo hoo, you break my heart

I guess this guy has never heard of near rhymes, cause damn if I'm gonna rhyme salad with ballad
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Old 12-12-2007, 10:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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maybe you could try and fill it out a little more, cause at the minute it reads a bit like bullet points rather than a song.
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Thereís something about seeing this city at night
Where we can say what we want and do what we like.
These streets are empty but we don't feel alone,
We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.
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Old 12-12-2007, 01:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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it's not poetry, they're lyrics. they're meant to be sung, not read.
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Old 12-12-2007, 01:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Dude, its just a suggestion, but singing in bullet points isn't really much different.
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Thereís something about seeing this city at night
Where we can say what we want and do what we like.
These streets are empty but we don't feel alone,
We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.
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Old 12-13-2007, 06:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Meh. I put it to every tune I could think of....I give it 1/10.
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I think I know much better than you ever will how Mettalica is. I used to play for 2 years in a Mettalica cover band.



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Old 12-13-2007, 09:46 AM   #8 (permalink)
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it actually works scarily well with "Pop goes the weasel".
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Thereís something about seeing this city at night
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These streets are empty but we don't feel alone,
We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.
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Old 12-13-2007, 11:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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let's see if either of these critics can come up with their own trisyllabic mosaic rhyme for thorazine
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Old 12-13-2007, 11:27 AM   #10 (permalink)
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like Magazine? (''.)
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Thereís something about seeing this city at night
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These streets are empty but we don't feel alone,
We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.
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