Love it. It really depicts our society. Depressing yes but realistic. Your wording is genius and precise and very beautiful. Makes the pain almost leap at you.

Great opening lines. Original idea.

I'm trying to get into song writing and lyrics, right now myself. And what I find really weak about my personal stuff is that taking the "subject" of the song and describing it immediately for it's physical attributes is really annoying and weak.
It's kind of shallow, try taking different perspective than just the one. I'm still trying to figure all of this out I just got into it, long road ahead blablabla, keep trying!

What... are you talking about?

Naming the subject can also strengthen the poem. >.<

>.<!!!

?? >.>

^^!

o.o;;

XD!!!!

Shut the **** up.

That was great. Very original.

I'm so confused. I just wanted to know why they were making faces. >.<

It is a good poem, though.
Well done. >.>

Yo man you haven't seen the streets like I have.

V.v

You talk like that out on "the streets" you'll get your ass knifed.

Oh I'm sorry Bob Dylan, I'll watch out in those *** pride neighborhoods.

Also, Troy, New York - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

o.o;

MS, what are you helping right now?

Anyway, to prevent this from being a spam post, this is a good poem. The metaphor base of it is good, and the description is great too. Bueno.

What's your point? Yes, I know I live in a ****hole. I like it, it's got soul.

A ****hole with an 80% white population with plenty of them middle class or up, sorry Bob Dylan I can't give you much street cred as you'd like.

x.x

I never asked for street credit, ace.

Are you saying blacks are criminals, sir? Damn, that's racist! ;) By the way, wikipedia is a freewrite, anyone can submit anything. Sites like this: Troy New York Crime Reports, Crime News, and Crime Statistics , are not freewrites. Whities have guns and dicks too, mate.
Uncle Sam's Place - Troy, NY -- TUI - Gang-related activity in Troy's North Central Neighborhood

Explain to me why then, if I go to Troy High up here, instead of saying "One of the black kids..." The lingo seems to be, "one of the white kids...". In my Science class, I am the only white broad in there.

And why the **** do you keep calling my Bob Dylan? Yes, I like the man, I do, one of the most talented musicians to ever walk the earth. But Bob Dylan's closer to Billy the Kid than he is Johnny Truelove ;).

And that tall drink in the icon? That's Cate Blanchet.

x.x, motherfucker.

GOOD POEM. I LIKE THE POEM.

I'm pretty sure the person didn't make this thread so that you two could argue.

Alright Bob Dylan. ^^

...ha!

Why the fuck is it always my threads that this shit happens in?
Go make faces somewhere else. Jesus.

^_^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Your threads are just so joyous. >:0

=P I stopped making faces.

If I'd been able to make the posts delete, I'd have done that.

Did the criticism of your poem make sense?

yeah >: (

Yes, and thank you. When I wrote it I thought I was being totally original and felt like I was brilliant... but then I realized. Haha.

Oh, I hope you don't think it was not well done.

I highly enjoyed it.

It was well written.

Writer's Block
 

Just needed to write something.

Conveyed emotions not by mouth
Ardor told through chords and pen
Not by voice; from mind to hand
Room for choice, room to expand

It's a bitch ain't it? You always get over it though, somehow confidence always comes back to the writing process. My advice would be to keep writing shorter and simpler stuff like this - it eventually makes way for bigger ideas. That's how I go about getting over the ol' writer's block anyway.

Nice poem as well - good way to sum the process up.

I really like this. Keep writing more.

OK i would say good job if this is just poetry...

If this is a song you cant be so deep.. ppl have to be able to understand what your talking about. there are to many variables here. Simply put nobody holds conversations like that.

#1 get a recorder so you can say things as they come to you.
#2 Don't try to hard ppl can read that to.
#3 don't write to impress write from feeling.

Thanks for the input... though it really isn't meant to be taken seriously. In case I didn't make myself clear I have serious writer's block right now and I just needed to write something to kick start the creative process.

The first line sounds a little clumsy. From the second line it reads smoother, the rhyme at the end gives it a good feel.


Terrible advice.

^Seconded on the advice thing. Sorry man but since when have lyrics had to be in a "conversation"al mannor? Take a look at Lucy in the sky with diamonds, great song by The Beatles.

Picture yourself on a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green
Towering over your head
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes
and she's gone

Hey fruit "the rhyme at the end gives it a good feel". This is good advice?? So when i jump should i use my legs??

Honestly it has to be something that you are educated in or something that has had an impact on you. Dont write other ppls storys... Unless it pretains to the idea of your writing. More or less use other ppls stories as referances.

That was written in the 60's in the "cycodelic" times im sure ppl understood. The question is was that hard for you?? Listen to the song while your on acid and tell me it makes no sense... There are more drug referances in that song that mainly pertain to that era that are of little use today. Now we use dialated eyes as apposed to other sayings that would have been common knowlege in the 60's.

People today are more simple minded and easier to please. Show me the average family in the 60's with a TV remote.. PPL thought more then and now we have nothing to think of....

the kid wants advise not you to tell me im wrong about something..