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Old 06-18-2008, 02:14 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default wolverinewolfweiselpigeon's Songwriting Journal

Most of the songs I write sound redundant, but I'm working with what I have.
Please tell me what you think.

The Game
It's odd the way it doesn't hurt
To know that you're with her.
It's not that I don't wish you mine;
Or me whom you prefer.

It's just the way you watch me
When you think that I don't know.
That makes me wonder if there's more
Behind the care you show.

The little things you tell me
In contrast to what I hear;
The unexpected compliments
Still burn within my ear.

If just one day is all we had
To feed this lust's desire,
Without a second wasted
I'd be sure to spread the fire.

So is it wrong to know exactly
What it is I want?
Some may call this thought impure
To think, and moreso, flaunt.

Yet I feel strangely empowered
In uttering these words;
Like no one's thoughts can bring me down,
And least of them all, hers.

But what I really need to know
Is if you feel the same.
For even if I never win,
I'll never quit the game.

With You
I've got a pocketful of change.
We can take it, make it, last us all the way.
It doesn't even matter where we go;
You're the only thing my heart has been looking for.

I hope we make a wrong turn on the way.
We don't make town, breakdown, and get caught in the rain.
As long as I have you by my side
I can never waste another day not enjoyin' the ride.

I want to go away with you.
We could ride away, right away, and not think things through.
Maybe when the time's right we can hold hands.
It'll feel so right to talk all night, and make new plans.

You have brightened up my skies so.
And at the risk of failing this I think you should know.
I think I wanna be with you.
And if we ever are together my dreams have come true.
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Originally Posted by Lucem Ferre View Post
church is still boring even with Kanye.
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Old 06-18-2008, 09:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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looks like some excellent and well phrased lyrics to me, I think I'm dropping out of this forum though. These could be great songs I think, just depends on how you play them. it's really impossible for me to tell with just the lyrics.

I think it's better to be redundant than to try to change directions in the middle of a song. as long as there is something interesting going on with the music, a bridge, change in orchestration, a solo maybe. reference all the early Beatles stuff, very redundant lyrics. they did ok with it :-)
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Old 06-18-2008, 09:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thanks! I'm really putting myself out there saying this, but I still don't know how to play guitar well enough, and I don't know how to put together music and lyrics. I can write a whole song on guitar, but never have the words for it, and the same visa versa. Someday though.
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Originally Posted by Lucem Ferre View Post
church is still boring even with Kanye.
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Old 06-18-2008, 11:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
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one way to get started might be to take a song you know, write new lyrics to the melody of that song. then go back and change the melody to make it truly original. some of the best melodies are very simple. it's usually to do with the rythym of them that makes them great and not the notes. a rest here a triplet there perhaps holding a note a little longer than would be expected. If you just take one line out of your song and hum it or sing it over and over and play with every syllable you'll come up with something good. usually if you get one line to sound great the rest of them will fall into place fairly quickly. good luck
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Old 07-01-2008, 04:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Your lyrics are amazing, I have no advice though on the music or anything since i dont know how to play any instrument but anyway, great job on the lyrics, you've very talented.
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Old 07-24-2008, 09:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default My Dream

This is a poem I recently wrote about an isanely realistic dream I had. Tell me what you think.

In my dream I am driving.
My tires grip onto winding roads embellished by the
Dancing shadows of
Sun shining through autumn leaves.
Turn after turn I embrace the sun
Warming my face, then disappearing behind a mountain
Only to re-emerge moments later.

In my dream I am troubled.
I am happy with the wind blowing through the opened windows
Carrying my hair in its delicate gusts
But I am harried. Bothered by something,
Unsettled by its creeping presence.
I look over my shoulder to laughing passengers unknown
By voice and indistinct face.

In my dream I am weeping.
Before I can realize I’ve slipped from the road I feel
The burning of heavy tears staining my cheeks
And filling wide, searching eyes.
My friends are departed and a tight
Knot of trepidation fixes itself in my stomach,
Writhing, acidic, and intolerable.

In my dream I am dying.
A sudden realization takes over my being
That this is the end of my short mediocre life, and
Morbid as it is I am peaceful.
I watch myself fly off the edge of the green, but rocky cliff
And I am falling. Sailing on the same enjoyed wind in a
Downward spiral to the bottom.
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Originally Posted by Lucem Ferre View Post
church is still boring even with Kanye.
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Old 07-31-2008, 10:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Whoa. Goddamn. This is really detailed. Personally, I am not into poetry focused mainly on an image. That being said, I love the imagery, but as this is not my cup of tea, I can't say I loved it. But that's personal preference. This is an excellently written work.
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Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:

What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 07-31-2008, 10:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I don't usually write about this kind of poetry, but I woke up in the middle of the night and the dream was so vivid and still in my mind that I had to get it out.
Thanks for your opinion, though.
Feedback is always appreciated.
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church is still boring even with Kanye.
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Old 08-10-2008, 07:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Like PapeHurriPlanes said, the imagery was very detailed and rather beautiful and worked together well. The repetition of "in my dream" was effective too, but, and this might just be me, i think the fact that you keep reinforcing the fact that it is a dream makes it harder to get a feeling of importance from it. I mean the way you portrayed the realization of inner peace was good, and you were able to sorta communicate the impact of it on the character, whoever it may have been, but at the same time it was just a dream and because of that the implications, and therefor the degree to which we can become attached to and relate to this character and this realization seems in a way muted. Like i said though, that may just be me, and it was no doubt still very well written.
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Old 08-10-2008, 11:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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That's a good point. Thank you.
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Originally Posted by Lucem Ferre View Post
church is still boring even with Kanye.
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