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wolverinewolfweiselpigeon's Songwriting Journal
Most of the songs I write sound redundant, but I'm working with what I have. Please tell me what you think. The Game It's odd the way it doesn't hurt To know that you're with her. It's not that I don't wish you mine; Or me whom you prefer. It's just the way you watch me When you think that I don't know. That makes me wonder if there's more Behind the care you show. The little things you tell me In contrast to what I hear; The unexpected compliments Still burn within my ear. If just one day is all we had To feed this lust's desire, Without a second wasted I'd be sure to spread the fire. So is it wrong to know exactly What it is I want? Some may call this thought impure To think, and moreso, flaunt. Yet I feel strangely empowered In uttering these words; Like no one's thoughts can bring me down, And least of them all, hers. But what I really need to know Is if you feel the same. For even if I never win, I'll never quit the game. With You I've got a pocketful of change. We can take it, make it, last us all the way. It doesn't even matter where we go; You're the only thing my heart has been looking for. I hope we make a wrong turn on the way. We don't make town, breakdown, and get caught in the rain. As long as I have you by my side I can never waste another day not enjoyin' the ride. I want to go away with you. We could ride away, right away, and not think things through. Maybe when the time's right we can hold hands. It'll feel so right to talk all night, and make new plans. You have brightened up my skies so. And at the risk of failing this I think you should know. I think I wanna be with you. And if we ever are together my dreams have come true. |
looks like some excellent and well phrased lyrics to me, I think I'm dropping out of this forum though. These could be great songs I think, just depends on how you play them. it's really impossible for me to tell with just the lyrics.
I think it's better to be redundant than to try to change directions in the middle of a song. as long as there is something interesting going on with the music, a bridge, change in orchestration, a solo maybe. reference all the early Beatles stuff, very redundant lyrics. they did ok with it :-) |
Thanks! I'm really putting myself out there saying this, but I still don't know how to play guitar well enough, and I don't know how to put together music and lyrics. I can write a whole song on guitar, but never have the words for it, and the same visa versa. Someday though.
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one way to get started might be to take a song you know, write new lyrics to the melody of that song. then go back and change the melody to make it truly original. some of the best melodies are very simple. it's usually to do with the rythym of them that makes them great and not the notes. a rest here a triplet there perhaps holding a note a little longer than would be expected. If you just take one line out of your song and hum it or sing it over and over and play with every syllable you'll come up with something good. usually if you get one line to sound great the rest of them will fall into place fairly quickly. good luck
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Your lyrics are amazing, I have no advice though on the music or anything since i dont know how to play any instrument but anyway, great job on the lyrics, you've very talented.
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My Dream
This is a poem I recently wrote about an isanely realistic dream I had. Tell me what you think.
In my dream I am driving. My tires grip onto winding roads embellished by the Dancing shadows of Sun shining through autumn leaves. Turn after turn I embrace the sun Warming my face, then disappearing behind a mountain Only to re-emerge moments later. In my dream I am troubled. I am happy with the wind blowing through the opened windows Carrying my hair in its delicate gusts But I am harried. Bothered by something, Unsettled by its creeping presence. I look over my shoulder to laughing passengers unknown By voice and indistinct face. In my dream I am weeping. Before I can realize I’ve slipped from the road I feel The burning of heavy tears staining my cheeks And filling wide, searching eyes. My friends are departed and a tight Knot of trepidation fixes itself in my stomach, Writhing, acidic, and intolerable. In my dream I am dying. A sudden realization takes over my being That this is the end of my short mediocre life, and Morbid as it is I am peaceful. I watch myself fly off the edge of the green, but rocky cliff And I am falling. Sailing on the same enjoyed wind in a Downward spiral to the bottom. |
Whoa. Goddamn. This is really detailed. Personally, I am not into poetry focused mainly on an image. That being said, I love the imagery, but as this is not my cup of tea, I can't say I loved it. But that's personal preference. This is an excellently written work.
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I don't usually write about this kind of poetry, but I woke up in the middle of the night and the dream was so vivid and still in my mind that I had to get it out.
Thanks for your opinion, though. Feedback is always appreciated. |
Like PapeHurriPlanes said, the imagery was very detailed and rather beautiful and worked together well. The repetition of "in my dream" was effective too, but, and this might just be me, i think the fact that you keep reinforcing the fact that it is a dream makes it harder to get a feeling of importance from it. I mean the way you portrayed the realization of inner peace was good, and you were able to sorta communicate the impact of it on the character, whoever it may have been, but at the same time it was just a dream and because of that the implications, and therefor the degree to which we can become attached to and relate to this character and this realization seems in a way muted. Like i said though, that may just be me, and it was no doubt still very well written.
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That's a good point. Thank you.
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Message in a Bottle
I've tightened the cork To the bottle I'm sending I'm ready to find a new shore. I think I'll be fine In the waves of the ocean As long as I wash up on yours. Drifting with hope And my fingers crossed twice I'm holding my breath all the way. I sing with the moonlight And dance to the foam While the current just lifts me away. I've whispered your name Through the cracks of my dreams Let it pass through my lips like a song. If I'm a blank page You're a true poet's pen We were meant to be "us" all along. So search through the driftwood, Sand, small bits of shell, Whatever else you may discover. In the bottle I sent you Filled up with my love There is me for you to uncover. |
I love your lyrics and they go with your name and picture.
You make me think of kate bush wuthering heights. But with added lewis carol. I'd vote you the best contributor here. |
Why thank you.
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you do know this is a police song...right?
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No.
Well yes, But no. |
Sandpaper
You are sandpaper.
You wear me down; Thin my shell to its weakest state, Leave me nearly exposed. You only look tough. You're still paper beneath the grit. Easily torn. Quickly discarded. I've deafened myself. As defense. From your lines of lies and bullshit. I've blinded myself. As defense. From watching you spin your falsities. Grinding holes into any place You settle too long. |
Alaska Squirrel
How fast can you run now Alaska Squirrel? lol.Can you last til the November vote? You'd better move quickly, get out of Alaska, Before Palin turns you into a tote! Run little rodent as fast as you can. Palin will hit you with her mini-van. Alaska.... (ALASKA!!) Alaskan Squirrel. Alaska.... (ALASKA!!) Alaskan Squirrel. Hurry away now, Alaska Squirrel And be wary of mavericks and sluts. McCain, he won't catch you, 'cause he is too slow But she'll get you by taking your nuts! Run little rodent as fast as you can. Palin will hit you with her mini-van. Alaska.... (ALASKA!!) Alaskan Squirrel. Alaska.... (ALASKA!!) Alaskan Squirrel. Scamper away now Alaska Squirrel Make your way to a higher ground. Palin's melting Alaska with her evil death eyes Soon all the polar bears will be drowned. Run little rodent as fast as you can. Palin will hit you with her mini-van. Alaska.... (ALASKA!!) Alaskan Squirrel. Alaska.... (ALASKA!!) Alaskan Squirrel. http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k2...squirrel_2.jpg |
should be done by a grindcore band
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drowning polar bears? funny...and yet so sad
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You've jumped tenses and may want to correct that.
i like the poem and with very minor changes it will be excellent! That last line is really good, and could be KILLER if you find another word for 'sit.' (i've found that a thesaurus is an extremely valuable tool for writing pretty much anything ~ it's like adding watercolor to a charcoal drawing ~ makes it more interesting and gives you more power for expression.) Thanx for sharing! |
Also love the last line. But this is my favorite:
"You're still paper beneath the grit." The sandpaper metaphor is kinda overused in this capacity, but on the whole I like it. What made you write it? |
Oh you know. Assholes.
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a great inspiration
makes great writing i thought it was pretty sweet |
I feel as if maybe, it's a tad cliche? Don't get me wrong, it's well written.
I just feel like I've heard it before. >.< Good job, nonetheless. I'd love to hear more of your work. =] |
Untitled
Shattered truth, shattered youth
Broken hope of alliance Back-tracking days of destroying the silence Of well thought out vents Ignorant words have replaced common sense We're all apprehensive Strutting on the defensive Line of a life bred by sheep and their pastors I thought days were over of bowing to masters Cover yourself behind fiction stained shades And let them direct you Let them disrespect you Let them continue to pillage and rape An unborn society, fill it with hate Oh, the irony. Isn't it great Cast stones at the windows And blow down the homes But you cannot throw rocks When you live in fragile lies. Innocent sheep might get hurt. |
Some pretty depressed and depressing lyrics.
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So? That doesn't take away from the greatness. Good job!
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This is good! keep it up
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Quote:
Or at least not any more depressing than watching the news. |
Very good, deep.. which i always enjoy reading.
Try using punctuation though too. It makes it easier to read and sometimes helps people to understand exactly what you're trying to say too. |
Blank verse, ftw. Love it wolfy. Wouldn't change a thing. The rhyming scheme was impressive.
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Thanks everyone, for the feedback.
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I digs it. Good rhythm and vocabulary and subject(s).
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It's nice to me ! Congratulation !
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I am only sorry that the original post got lost in childish behaviour. Sorry.
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Hey..I like it!! good job..Id like to hear the song..
Whats the message of the song though?as people have said they felt depressed.. What did you want people to think/feel when they heard the song?hmmmm |
if you feel like you have heard it before thats probably a good thing...that means it kinda flows and is natural..good job on your song! i love the idea..but is it a whole song?
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Well I wrote it while I was devestated about Prop 8 passing. Basically I was having an "I give up on society" day and this is the result. It was really more about me venting than portaying an emotion.
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That's true.
But I mean i feel like I've heard the general idea before. The idea of people looking tought but not actually BEING tough. I just re-read it and it is very good. I don't know. I suppose I could just be picky. It's difficult to reword cliche to a point that it seems new. Does that make sense? |
I like it forget about jumping tenses when it flows it flows....don't edit...from mind to pen is natural writing...a true art...I can tell u didn't try too hard it is natural and that makes it great.
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