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Old 06-18-2008, 06:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: GŲteborg
Posts: 11
Default Time to get over you!

This is about a girl my bro was cheating with. It's written by him and from his pow. We are using this for our hardcore/screamo band. give feedback please.

Youíve got my mind
Iíve got our song
playing on repeat

a slow dance, bedside, closed eyes
slow dance, neckline, held close
lips touching shoulders
your breath on my neck
lost inside that night in your bedroom
that one night wasnít even real
I'm such a sucker for the past
I'm such a sucker for the past

you've got my mind
I've got our song
playing on repeat

two swings, one park, your laugh
two cameras, photos, our laughs
curtains of rain closing us in
an umbrella of leaves above us
Iím still lost inside that kiss of ours
That one kiss that was oh so real
Iím such a sucker for the past
Iím such a sucker for the past

Youíve got my mind
Iíve got our song
Playing on repeat
Playing on repeat

Thank you for reading
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Old 06-19-2008, 10:56 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default

This is pretty cool. It's structured really well and the repetition adds alot. The first verse is really strong with it's first two lines. they are fun to say. The other list in the last verse flows less for me, I think because the word 'camera' seems clunky. I'm not a fan of screamo, but this seems pretty legit. maybe add another verse explaining the chorus...like about their 'song'. or not, it's well done as is. Nice job
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Old 06-19-2008, 04:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Yeah, bsmix. I think the 'song' needs to be explained a little more. But mabye not. Whatever you think.
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Old 06-19-2008, 05:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Right you are. I also thought about writing something to explain the whole song thing, maybe a bridge would be suitable for that. and then another chorus to summarize it all.
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