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Old 06-27-2008, 02:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default When I See You

OK, I just joined this forum and thought I'd submit a few songs that I am currently working on to get opinions and ideas. Please feel free to criticize if necessary or give suggestions. I'm my own toughest critic and hate most of what I write but I gotta get it out or else I won't improve.


uhhh...it's only been played acoustic so far and i'm having hard time transferring it to electric. So it's soft, melodic, yadayadayada Where's The Edge when ya need him?...

I'm a refugee in an open sea
I'm waiting to be saved
I've got open sores and a life that's torn
I'm anything but brave
But there you were...
But there you were...
I'm a stubborn fool who can't see the truth
Staring him in the face
And the life I took is more'n a crook
Should ever have in place
But there you were...
But there you were...

And when I saw you
I saw what I could be
When I saw you
I saw what I should be
When I saw you
everything was clean
When I saw you
I wasn't looking back at me

Well something's wrong and I know it's gone
cuz I'm staring back at me
I'd close my eyes to avoid the lies
but they're all that I can see
But there you are...
But there you are...


When I see you
I see what I could be
When I see you
I see what I should be
When I see you
everything is clean
When I see you
I'm not looking back at me

For I have come to appreciate
the simple things I used to hate
And it's not too late to realize
that believing truth is not compromise
I face the fear every single day
that the one I love is the one I hate
Is this what it means to be a man
Is this how the story ends?

When I see you
I see what I could be
When I see you
I see what I should be
When I see you
everything is clean
When I see you
do you ever see me?
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Old 06-27-2008, 04:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Wow they're really good. U2 an influence? I can imagine Bono singing a few of those lines!

Critique?... I'm nowhere near being an "expert" but my own opinion...
I'd stay away from too many sappy lines. Just not a fan of them myself. It's been done to death by so many that they all sort of lose meaning. You steer clear of these sorta lines(even if ya do come dangerously close at some points! lol) and the verses are cool.


Good work!
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Last edited by Beany; 06-28-2008 at 08:40 AM.
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Old 06-27-2008, 09:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I agree, sappy lines are dumpster. I love the beginning though.

I'm a refugee in an open sea
I'm waiting to be saved
I've got open sores and a life that's torn
I'm anything but brave

I think if you change the chorus that has all the 'When I see you I'm blah blah blah' (basically the idea of the song) you could have a great piece of work. If you focus on imagery you could make this into a solid song.
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Old 06-28-2008, 08:42 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Double X View Post

I think if you change the chorus that has all the 'When I see you I'm blah blah blah' (basically the idea of the song) you could have a great piece of work. If you focus on imagery you could make this into a solid song.
Yeah I agree. I like the last lines of the chorus though.

"When I see you, I'm not looking back at me."
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Old 06-28-2008, 07:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Double X View Post
I think if you change the chorus that has all the 'When I see you I'm blah blah blah' (basically the idea of the song) you could have a great piece of work. If you focus on imagery you could make this into a solid song.
I like the chorus but now that you've said that, I see where you're coming from and it does need improvement. I'll work on it and post an edit when I get something substantial. Hopefully I'll get a mic sometime soon and get to recording rough demos to give better ideas...
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