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Old 08-10-2008, 06:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
you are freakin out, man
 
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Default Forgetmenaut

Wow, i haven't posted on here in a very long time. But I've still been writing and obviously you have too, so there's something of mine that I'd like your opinion on. Half the references that are important to me won't mean anything to you, but i guess that's alright.
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Forgetmenaut

With my eyes full of frailty as with her reflection
I look up with as much hope as I can afford
It takes more than what’s in me to learn this last lesson
And more courage than I’ve got to die by this sword

That might be why this pen feels less mighty than ever,
Why I fear that blade more than all others have swung
’Cause I haven’t shone this bright in what seems like forever,
Since the days we were foolish and smiling and young

But now I’ve started thinking ‘bout how sometimes fate just can’t be fought. So we’ll dry our eyes and wave goodbye, and I’ll miss my Forgetmenaut. But why try to clutch at closure with our hands and tongues so tightly tied, and all because I thought that we had already watched enough things die?

And so we’ll mourn, yes, just the two of us, whatever tragedy it was it made her into something beautiful. We fell from grace and fell from touch, who thought that we’d become this much? We’ll never need another miracle.

How many years has it been since the colour left my eyes? How long was it she watched only to see what lay in waiting? Why wasn’t I surprised to awake with her in the sky and how come the clouds only open when I feel my faith is fading?

I laughed as they built up their walls and claimed what we now know was ours, but lamented myself away once their crossed hearts uncrossed our stars. And even though we’ll never show how much of our hope had survived, at least we can forever know no one ever felt so alive.
--------------------------------------------------------------

crit for crit, you know the deal.

Last edited by creepinson; 11-07-2015 at 05:36 PM.
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Old 08-10-2008, 11:55 PM   #2 (permalink)
hot girl summer
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by creepinson View Post
That might be why this pen feels less mighty than ever,
Why I fear that blade more than all others have swung
’Cause I haven’t shone this bright in what seems like forever,
Since the days we were foolish and smiling and young



How many years has it been since the colour left my eyes?
How long was it she watched only to see what lay in waiting?
Why wasn’t I surprised to awake with her in the sky
And how come the clouds only open when I feel my faith is fading?
Beautiful.

Everything is put together really well, and although at some parts it gets a bit wordy, it has good fluency overall. Nice work, I look forward to reading more.
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Old 08-11-2008, 03:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
you are freakin out, man
 
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thanks mang, i know i do kinda go crazy with the wordiness sometimes... but compared to a lot of my other stuff this has like 4 and a half syllables so....... mah battle against superfluous diction is ongoing.
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Old 08-15-2008, 12:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I quite love this. Made me tear up. /identifies. Is this a song or a poem? It seems to me it'd be better suited as a poem... just, the overall beauty of it is too much not to be poetry.
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Old 08-17-2008, 05:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
you are freakin out, man
 
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Yeah, i guess it is more a poem than anything. Alot of the stuff i write comes from needing lyrics for my band but probably about half of it ends up like this... which as you said is not as well suited for a song. Oh well, I'm glad you like it. it used to make me tear up as well, but for very different reasons, as i get all the little personal references that you guys can't possibly. Thanks for the input though. Anyone else?
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Old 08-17-2008, 01:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Just when I had all but abandoned the song writing forum. This is a return to what I loved - excellent writing about a subject so explored by those before you. I'm excited to have you back and championing the c4c that never really caught on here. You play a dangerous game with the rhyming in the sort of freestyle you have here, but never cross the line which was nice. There are points in the last 4 "lines" that border on rambling just so you can get a pretty image in - but again, you hold up before it gets out of hand.

Quote:
But now I’ve started thinking ‘bout how sometimes fate just can’t be fought. So we’ll dry our eyes and wave goodbye, and I’ll miss my Forgetmenaut.
Things like spoken slang ('bout) look so ridiculous when they're written - not your fault, just an observation of mine. You don't have to do that when you're writing you know, especially when it's not especially for lyrics. The word :about: isn't a cumbersome word, so I would avoid that if I were you - it won't affect your flow at all.

Welcome back!
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Old 08-22-2008, 05:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
you are freakin out, man
 
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holy **** its crowe! i've been without your helpful criticisms and vague vibe of internet camaraderie for so long!

i recognize/agree with what you brought up in your crit, and take it to heart. I just did the " 'bout" thing because sometimes I'm a syllable freak, but as you said it appears to work out either way.

Post more of your own stuff soon! i haven't seen any in time.
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Old 08-24-2008, 03:39 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I enjoyed this a fair bit.
Kinda makes me think, and if it makes me think, it's worthwhile. I especially like the line about the clouds only opening when you feel your faith fading. Irony kind of plays in there, it's almost like a "sad yet true" kind of thing. Nice job.
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