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Old 02-07-2010, 04:41 PM   #261 (permalink)
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Location: In the moment
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I've just realized how good your titles are.
They really make me try to look at it in a different way.

But I think that while you start with a great description of an individual who represent the things you dislike in the world, after the "feelings and emotions are overated to a degree the young and bold, lay their lives on the line daily" line, you change to a more generic political protest song.
While they really are the same message, a message of hatred towards rich hypocrites, it is a lot less effective because you just drop a character I was interested in.
I am glad you pick him/her up again in the last paragraph, but I don't really understand why the character is pissing in the snow when they call the cops. I think it's because you focus on general statements more than individual events, making it seem weird when you switch to an individual event. (a riot/rebellion sparked by the narrator?)
As for individual good lines and bad lines, I really couldn't find any lines which on they're own are bad. I think this is the first time on this forum that's happened.
I know all those girls you been messin around with i dont want your STD's. So boy quit with your chat i dont wanna talk about my cat, i dont wanna see your face, now leave.
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Old 02-09-2010, 03:47 PM   #262 (permalink)
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Default line crossings

Pass it on to the person next to you
he can carry the burden and you can go on your way
theirs never been such delight in my life
when i left it behind and went on my way.
It was something not long ago, i could not imagine living without
but now i am free of guilt, and regret i have nout.

No crying in my beer, i'm ahead in the clear
times going fast and success is driving me
back in my lane where i have longed to be.
One other place i can call home
the busom of harmony in their i roam.

Look, though you may not see
all is fiction, fantasy.
Bright lights and fairy tales
beautiful postcards on sale.

Out of my head, twisted by fate
dr dead is at my gate
simplifying my every move
just when i thought i had found my groove.

All was expected but not so soon
when i found my feet i became doomed
nothing good can come from success
it's safer when it's in a mess.
I see a spiritual being turning off the lights
muttering to himself you have had a long enough life
waking you from your deepest ever sleep
he packs your bag and kicks you into the street.

Far from the life you suffered before
alls seen no closures, no locked doors.
Readily available all within reach
i wasn't prepared for this, it's not something you teach.

Drink from a bottle that has been thrusted into your face
thinking only of the outcome not of the taste.
their must be something i can relate
iv'e lost my wilderness, thats my mistake.
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Old 02-18-2010, 03:26 AM   #263 (permalink)
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Location: england
Posts: 388
Default no response

Darkness crept into my life today
i felt it was close but let it run on it's way
knowing that it could be dangerous for me
i never thought twice about my humanity.
And now it has taken over my life
everyday i find myself decieving my wife
guilt rising up within me, it can only end bloody.

When things are going great and i awake with a smile
i put more on my plate making my day seem more worthwhile.
Thinking i can cope with all it's diversity
portraying a life that i hoped that would have been given to me.
But instead i'm now living a double life
with sexual preferences that would only disturb my wife
thinking that it's a waste of time disscussing it with her
what is right what is wrong it's all become a blurr.

I got married though i took my time
the ripe old age of twentynine
I thought i could leave my old life behind
but it's not even three years down the line
and i'm cheating, yes mistreating
the only woman iv'e ever loved
what the hell am i doing, i just don't think enough.
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Old 02-18-2010, 02:04 PM   #264 (permalink)
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Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
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Originally Posted by chard View Post
But instead i'm now living a double life
with sexual preferences that would only disturb my wife
thinking that it's a waste of time disscussing it with her
what is right what is wrong it's all become a blurr.

I got married though i took my time
the ripe old age of twentynine
I thought i could leave my old life behind
but it's not even three years down the line
and i'm cheating, yes mistreating
the only woman iv'e ever loved
what the hell am i doing, i just don't think enough.
Hi Chard! It has been a while since we chatted, so I thought I'd stop by to give some more feedback like I said I would.

Above is the part of the poem that I felt was most moving...especially since many people may find themselves in the situation where they question their decisions and wonder why they make bad ones to counteract what may perhaps have been earlier unwise choices.

Your poem is brave in that in confronts the feelings of guilt and self-loathing that result when one hurts a loved-one. The line in bold seems especially sad to me. I would say it's never too late to discuss the issues in a relationship, even when you feel like it is. It's only too late when you are dead!

Hope all's well. Thanks again for the jelly donut and candle!

~ Erica
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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Old 03-03-2010, 01:44 PM   #265 (permalink)
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Location: england
Posts: 388
Default cross over

Within everyones boundaries you can find,
complete and utter maddness all sanity lost behind.
no one eccept from you
can ever live within as you do,
no fulfillment just tragedy
it takes the worst kind of feelings to grow and still see.

No one takes a blind bit of notice
all are trying to succeed
stop trying to be better and more noticed
thats when you will find it's more important being free.

Commit yourself to something meaningfull
that makes you happy inside
that not only gives you pleasure but others that reside.
And all that life gives you will make you smile
now you are on the path mean't for you it will all seem worthwhile.

Freedom is shrugged off not knowing what it means
just another existance a word make believe.
Never really freeing yourself to learn more than you have been taught,
living without joy you don't know, but you have been caught.
In a trap given to by every generation
inside a bubble of frustration.

Wondering when that bubble will burst
escaping everyone that gives you hurt
When will that day arrive, will i still be alive.
Day by day it's harder now by the hour
it's not a storm i believe it's a passing shower.
And soon the sun will shine when i open a new chapter
and then my life will be filled with laughter.
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Old 03-06-2010, 05:02 PM   #266 (permalink)
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Location: england
Posts: 388
Default ash to dust

Reaching out , please hold on tightly
don't let yourself slip away
my worst fear would be
if you couldn't stay.
Don't let it be, hold on to your dear life
the trouble as i see it, that life is all but strife.

Wasted and buried into the dirt
never really caring who you hurt
always denying pleasures that are free to you
going and never experiencing, anything new.

Rather stay small minded in my little world
when it falls apart, face death at my losing duel.
In the face have no desire to move away
ready and willing to eccept my final day.

Their is a world out there, ready for you to fill it's space
you can easily find a home in another place.
It only takes a little effort, something you can't regret
if it's over here, then it will be easy to forget.

So don't give up you have a life to live
everyone living has something to give
Don't think for one minute that it's not you
while you have a heart, you must just do.

Us people we must live together
as close to harmony as we can
But you know people change like the weather
people are just hard to understand.

There isn't one of us who stands out in a crowd
only if you shout oh, so very loud.
Want to be quiet don't want anyone to know i'm there
at the edge of my existance, i'm not one to share.
Try to come closer i'l bite your head off
leave me to my predicament, pray i don't drop.

Swear to me that if i let you in
you won't betray my trust and drain me from within.
I no longer dream because hurt has paved my way
i'm so tired of living, crying night and day.

Hold on to me i won't let you fall
trust in me because i have balls
my word is a contract in which i promise you
i won't leave until you have been renewed.
Sadly you are right about men in general
feeling sorry for themselves, at there own funeral.

It gets worse before it retires
by then you are ultimatly wired
hatred takes ahold, heavy laiden in a state and cold.

Reaching out i am here
hold on tightly before i dissapear.
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Old 03-14-2010, 04:10 PM   #267 (permalink)
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Location: england
Posts: 388
Cool burg in aut

In the midst of it all, i decided to fall
knowing that i would not die.
I became a source of light a regeneration
an outreach for mankind.
Reaching the surface by a mighty wave
laying to rest out of the grave.

Twisted and battered and not alone
it's different now than when it started.
Nothing i forgot though it's not clear
why i am feeling this way, impaired vision today.

Deliver me into the busom of someone real
doubt that i will ever really feel
all is numbers that betray
continueing a firmiliar road ends at my grave.

I am only a number thats how people see me
not as a person you would understand if you met me
Trouble is i know what the answer is
but maybe i can ignorantly carry on.

Fresh waking morning sun
harvesting oh our precious one
Dear beloved so dear to my heart
with you in my life i will stay out of my dark.

Swearing daring to imagine a world that is one with me
staring in the face of humanity.
Cold as ice i leave you with my thoughts
out of the galaxy by a supernatural force.
Wasted by all herbs and spices
open my eyes to all gods surprises.

Power driven excelerating fast
now i have decided i'm not coming in last.
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Old 03-17-2010, 02:35 PM   #268 (permalink)
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Location: england
Posts: 388
Default anti climax

Give a man a chance give him everything
that man will never sit alone playing a violin.
He wont miss his chances, he'l become a real success
someone you find classy with real finess.

If everyone had the chance to shine
we would all get drunk on fine wine
instead of sleeping off, a wild night before
waking up next to another paid whore.

Plain sailing i aught to know
though my luck ran out and now have nothing to show.
That doesn't matter to me as much as my wife
spending all her time under the knife.

Well it's know different than i suppose anyone else
being a typical man, tied down by a wife from hell.
Wishing that his whole life won't end in the gutter
but realising life is no better than any others.

Look into a window on the otherside of the street
if theres nothing over heard then they are discreet.
Because everyone i know hasn't got there lives in order
none of my friends can afford her.

Tresspass yes they will, ready for there ultimate kill
friends or foes all the same to me, what will be wil be.
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Old 03-30-2010, 04:57 AM   #269 (permalink)
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Location: england
Posts: 388
Default wall of sea

Just another day in the playground of life
whether it be fit or whether it not be tight.
You won't hear me grumble on any occasion
whether body and soul have been given for invasion.
Tresspass by my will, i am ready
going steady.

Frill me by your intensity
drill me give me my sanity.
I believe in love, there is no wrong place
i believe in love, every individual of the human race.

Taste this it has been called forbidden
why then does it taste so good
So then we cross over to bridgend
just like i knew i would.

Aggrivating people close to me
knowing that they will never believe me
when i mention where i am at
no response there's nothing more than that.
Going your own way means sometimes going it alone
never doubt yourselves alway's trust what you know.

Swimming in the fountain of life
making love to many but none will be mine
No pain no hurt everyone doe's the deed
in a sexual frenzy in the name of greed.

I was always on another plain
told i should never complain
i should succeed what ever i have recieved
with the benefit of knowing we all come from a seed.

People make choices benefitting themselves
whether right or wrong
in time they might put it right
but they won't let it go for a song.
Do not judge me as i see your face
i do what i need to do i am in the right place.

Il never swim alone, i will always be home
with the masses, free tresspasses.
It is my call, i will not be a fool i will use my tool
never to exit from the pool.

Driven by my will to succeed
can't work in a normal job, no not me.
Have to be well known but free
back to the wall of sea.
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Old 03-31-2010, 06:07 AM   #270 (permalink)
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Location: england
Posts: 388
Default paving the way

Theirs something i should have done
but i never had the time
out having fun, the whole world is mine.
Every day when i awoke
i always have plenty to do
can't remember everything, every promise i made to you.

I cant stop now it would be so wrong
i will catch up with you later-on
I can't stop time for its running wild
i have a plan i will take you out in style.
Don't you worry dont you cry
i am your man and i am at your side.

I am on a trip though going nowhere very fast
it's always been the same, it wont last.
I am here and everywhere
now with baggage i do care.
It might not look like i give a damn
but you would be wrong in thinking that.

I am for you and you are for me
why do we have to live together in harmony.
When i think we are doing so fine
you blow a gasket and shout that i am out of time.
I come back the very next day, to apologise and a overnight stay
When we are together we both know it is right
work hard today and tomorrow have a life.

I am good at what i do i wish you had trust in me
if you let me do my work, the quicker you would see.
im looking for intellegence, and asking for a fresh start
without basic descency it will all fall apart.
You want the fine things in life, it's hard to get it for free
i am wanting the same thing, please stay with me.

I now know how people get hitched it's not out of love
it's the untrusting bitch.
Ruling over thinking she is right,
wel end up with no money but i will always be in her sights.
I will get a job close to home,
my wings clipped nolonger able to roam
She will be happy thinking she has my love
but for this free thinking man it won't be enough.

So many marriages destroy themselves
trapping the free spirit of life.
Trying to mould it into something you can handle
but the flame will lose it's spark on this very candle.
The commitment is something both of you do
so there must be an element of surprise
when you fail so miserably as you do.... to compromise
is it only for the wise.

I went for beauty over all else
i never thought of the mind it sure is a test.
Can't believe what she says is real
no one thinks like that, iv'e had a raw deal.
Im going to have to stay at home and teach her real values
it's going to be hard graft, i can see my pension luming.
Paving the way now on solid ground,
very happy with the wife i found.
We work together in this confusing world
now we are expecting a boy or a girl.
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