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Old 10-06-2008, 03:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 4
Lightbulb Some words that've been bouncing around my head.(comment plz)

Im pretty new to this whole music creation stuff. Been working at it for about 2 months. But yeah here are some words that have been bouncing around my head. Your opinion on them is greatly appreciated.

Screaming silently
Into this abyss
Of my own conscienceless
And its making me sick
and im pissed
Wish for death
Of my own
All alone
In this world
And tis cold.
Bleeding out
All the sorrow and grief
This belief
That im boiling inside
Is just me
You can see
Through this rough skin.
The man who has not been.
This is the story of me.
You can see.
Coozer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-11-2008, 02:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: high above the Republic of Texas
Posts: 216
Thumbs up

nice poem

i think you might have meant
but that really isn't a word
so you might substitute something like 'madness'

also might change 'wish' to 'wishing' to maintain your grammatical tenses

good job!
Fyrenza is offline   Reply With Quote

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