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Old 11-08-2008, 07:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Decay

On this dirt road to freedom there has always been
A struggle to carry as heavy as sin.
Why not give up?

The sands of time have been wearing away
At the heart of stone that has kept you astray.
How long must it last?

Desperate for the truth that will slice you to the core,
So willing to sacrifice yourself like a shameless whore.
Is it really worth it?




Once I got to the end, I had the intention to continue it.
But, after I looked it over, it feels complete.
Your thoughts?
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Old 11-09-2008, 09:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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dooooooooooooooode

make it a little more brutal

either way, its ****ing awesome
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Old 11-15-2008, 09:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Cool..! Seems missing a fourth stanza but it's going great.
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Old 11-15-2008, 06:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Deep
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Old 11-16-2008, 01:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Very good. I like the structure a lot.
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Old 11-16-2008, 11:24 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Eggman you're an amazing writer. \
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Old 11-16-2008, 04:28 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I liked this a lot.
I have only one suggestion:
In the last line of the third stanza, possibly changing the word 'like' to 'as'.
It keeps the same meaning, but I feel like it flows a bit better.
Just a suggestion, good work.
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Old 11-16-2008, 05:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
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hmmm, i think you should stay with the like
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Old 11-18-2008, 05:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone.
I've been kinda busy so I haven't written anything lately.
But that'll change.
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Old 01-19-2009, 02:20 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Nice. Keep it up.
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