|11-08-2008, 07:25 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
On this dirt road to freedom there has always been
A struggle to carry as heavy as sin.
Why not give up?
The sands of time have been wearing away
At the heart of stone that has kept you astray.
How long must it last?
Desperate for the truth that will slice you to the core,
So willing to sacrifice yourself like a shameless whore.
Is it really worth it?
Once I got to the end, I had the intention to continue it.
But, after I looked it over, it feels complete.
|11-16-2008, 01:10 AM||#5 (permalink)|
hot girl summer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Very good. I like the structure a lot.
|11-16-2008, 04:28 PM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cincinnati, OH
I liked this a lot.
I have only one suggestion:
In the last line of the third stanza, possibly changing the word 'like' to 'as'.
It keeps the same meaning, but I feel like it flows a bit better.
Just a suggestion, good work.