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Old 12-06-2008, 11:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
you are freakin out, man
 
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: ajax, ontario
Posts: 129
Default Body Of Water

This is one of my band's songs, tell me whachu think. crit 4 crit!

Body of Water
-------------------

So here we find ourselves, more alive than ever
Everything we are is reaching out for something better

We can trust only eachother, lost within a crowd
Thats gathered to betray the only joy we've ever found

They tell us that it's never too late for us to be cured
But how could anything be more divine or be more pure?

So here lay their saviour
Still not even a man
With their hope in his heart
And his heart in my hands

I wish i could tell you it will be alright,
we'll be together if we can survive.

So if i could tell you that dreams don't come true,
Could you smile knowing i never once dreamt of you?

And if there was no other way to be free,
would you follow me into the sea?

'Cause i just don't know
If i can stand
Staining our salvation
with the blood on my hands

So now every breath
That I take blurs the line.
This body of water,
This body of mine.
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Old 12-07-2008, 07:35 AM   #2 (permalink)
Meanie McFeany
 
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Location: Troy side'ah the dirt, NY
Posts: 455
Default

At first I didn't like it, thought it was gonna be really redundant... but towards the middle it started to charm me. I like the last two stanzas the most... but the beginning rhyming needs some work, it's rather predictable.

PS. I'm taking you up on that crit for crit.
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Last edited by Wifey Boozer; 12-07-2008 at 11:05 AM.
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