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Old 02-02-2009, 06:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
Post Proggresive Folkcore
 
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Default Not sure what people are gonna think but...

A political poem I just unearthed from my immense pile. I don't know what to think of it. What does the peanut gallery have to say?

These Beasts of Prosperity,
They pull the trigger on our union,
Their nation, Their Anarchy.
A mission lost in the Profit.
Could this Vanity progress?

When our eyes are shut,
We still gaze at the same Darkness.
And when our hearts begin to speak,
Our words are never heard.

Hands shaking,
Tears tearing,
Fear rising,
Our memories,
of what was,
what should be,
what will never be...
suppress the pain,
And yet...
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Old 02-03-2009, 06:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
Meanie McFeany
 
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"what should be
what will never be..."

is that a Led Zeppelin allusion?

I like the first stanza. I can't think of anything to change about it from my perspective.

The first two lines of the second stanza are blank, like they don't mean anything... the last two make sense, but they are cliche. Is that true though? When people speak from their hearts nowadays, is it heard? Do people even speak from their hearts nowadays? Whose even speaking? Why?

The last stanza shouldn't be there I don't think.
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Old 02-03-2009, 07:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
Post Proggresive Folkcore
 
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Alright, thank you very much for the criticism.
Never listened to Led Zeppelin so I sincerely doubt it.

First two lines I was attempting to get at the aggressiveness of government and how it'll strike the weak? I'm really not sure it's been a while.

Last stanza sounds like a completely different poem. Haha, it very well might be as I found it in my math notebook which is almost filled with poetry... could be why I'm failing math...

Anyways thanks! Its definitely not one of my favorites I've written, I wrote this one I really liked but I think I'll have to uncover it... damn unorganizational habits (lets pretend that's a word).
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Old 02-03-2009, 07:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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They say unorganized people are creative ones, count that as a point for yourself, not against
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