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Old 03-18-2009, 10:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default If you have a minute, some feedback would be most welcome

I try to speak, but you don't hear,
You're far away, although you're near,
The words get tangled on the way,
And you hear things I did not say …

Crossed wires
Why is it so hard to make you hear?
Crossfire
A battle-zone where meanings are unclear.

Crossed wires
You mistake everything I say,
Crossfire
And you're driving me away…

You can’t believe the good of my intent,
My energy is all but spent,
And every time I try to speak,
The effort leaves me drained and weak.

Crossed wires
You are the lover of my heart!
Crossfire
Why must these words drive us apart?

Crossed wires
I wish that I could make you hear…
Crossfire
But instead I sit in tears….

Crossfire

I want to pull you close to me,
Open your eyes so you will see,
That all I want for you is bliss,
But every time I try I miss…

Crossed wires
If only you could see my heart,
Crossfire
Then words could never make us part,

Crossed wires
Then we could fly up to the sun,
Crossfire
And forever be as one.
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Old 03-18-2009, 04:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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youve hit something thats so true.
Nice one.
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Old 03-18-2009, 06:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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i like your repetition, especially for "crossfire," that's a good analogy
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Old 03-18-2009, 07:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you both ever so much...it is good to hear some positive feedback from people who have some knowledge of the topic. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond.

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Old 03-18-2009, 07:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I like it.
Seems more of a song than a poetic work though.

I dunno about the word "crossfire" though. It makes me think of that stupid game from back in the early 90's. Which inevitably makes me think of Hungry Hungry Hippos, which also pisses me off.
That's just me tho.
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Old 03-18-2009, 08:04 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you Veridical Fiction..it was originally written to be a song...good call there.
God, hungry hippos? (cry)...I used the word crossfire, because sometimes I feel like trying to communicate, when it is not going well, is a lot like getting stuck between two lines of gunfire...both party's are firing things off with no awareness of each other, or who might be caught in the middle. Hungry hippos tho...god, such a ...ridiculous... image to have evoked..... although, possibly appropriate. It does seem in conversation that people are often out to grab the most bites..attention...and have little interest in actually absorbing what others are saying.
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:30 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default paradoxy's Songwriting Journal

Song of the Faerie

There was a fearie maidin come,
From the mountain high~
She stooped don be a gleaming mere
As the sun swooped down to die.

As the moon spilled silver down upon
This enchanting lass,
A fell shade hid he gentle light,
Clouding the sacred glass.

The maiden saw a mushroom flame
Shine forth in the night,
It spread its fire o're all the world,
While man hid his face in fright.

The glow receded, man was gone;
Vanished from the earth~
Sweeping all of nature into death
With no hope of rebirth..

The vision blurred, and sank away:
The girl wept with pain~
Her heart was pierced through by the thought
That life would never rise again...

She cried aloud th mother earth,
To the moon she called...
What could she do to break this curse?
'Could this fate be eased at all?

"The task is hard", whispered the moon,
The earth echoed her fear.
"If you would save man from himself,
You wil have to make him hear".

"Go tell him of the death that comes,
Cresting on the wake,
Of his proud grasping, and perhaps,
His voilent lust will slake"

The faerie left her peaceful world,
Seeking that of man~
To tell him of the awful fire
That would blossom from his hand.

The faerie sings, man listenes not...
Will you heed her call?
Stop playing with the fires of death
E're your playthings burn us all...
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:36 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Throw some rape in and it will sound like Comus.
Impressive to say the least.
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Old 03-19-2009, 12:30 PM   #9 (permalink)
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By Comus, did you mean the god, or the band? lol
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Old 03-19-2009, 06:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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when i heard "crossfire" i thought about trench warfare WW1
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