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Old 07-07-2009, 02:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default First four lyrics that I wrote for my album

My album will be pretty dark and its gonna be a concept album.
I would love any suggestions on my lyrics.

This songs gonna be pretty upbeat. Probably one of my first songs in my album.

I see you in the distance
I need some assistance

My legs have been amputated
and my heart has been torn out
I am dead and there is no doubt

Do I need to shout!
I know you hear me!
I need some attention
You're really building up some tension..

My legs have been amputated
and my heart has been torn out
I am dead and there is no doubt

**** you
**** you
**** you
**** you

You're too ignorant for me
Cant you see you have blinded me
Then threw me into the black sea

You have killed me by making me kill myself

I can't move
but my eyes are open
I see
The world above me

The fishes start nibbling on my eyes
And an eel goes down my throat
And pops out of my hollow chest
out of my hollow chest...


ok next song. This will be a faster song. Heavy distortion and such.

I know I am dead
But I plan to come back
To show you my hate

I'm dealin with the devil
I am a rebel
Life Isn't fair
When you have an affair
You should be prepared...

Resurrection from cause of Abomination
Resurrection from cause of Abomination
Resurrection from cause of Abomination
Resurrection from cause of Abomination

I'm signing a declaration
For world Domination
I'm signing a declaration
For world Domination

I will rise where I died
There will be no place to hide
All this because you lied

Sleep tight
I will be back soon and I will devour you and everyone else

In this song I will add a lot of distortion and delay on my voice.

The fire within my eyes burn so deeply
I told you, you should'nt have decieved me
Now I am out of the sea
All of you should flee

I am here to cause some destruction
I have no other function
Then to make you see your fate

Scream for help
Look for faith

Scream for help
Look for faith

Scream for help
Look for faith

There is no escape

Do you still believe
Or do you still think i'm a fake?

I will personally take you to Hell!

I am the angel that fell
I am the forsaken one
I am your worst nightmare


Ok, 4th song. gonna be slow and acoustic.

Our doom is near
There is a lot of fear
There are a lot of tears

Our time has come
There is nothing to do but sigh and cry
It's the end of humanity

The sun is black
I wish we can go back
to the happier times or earth
but the darkness has fallen upon us...

Hush my little angel
dont you cry
we will soon be put out of our misery

we cant do a thing
so lets just enjoy our last day on earth together

What have we done to deserve this?
All I want is one last kiss
Before we depart
from this world of dark......

its so raww. someone help me!!!
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Old 07-07-2009, 10:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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im just lookin for an honest opinion!
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Old 07-07-2009, 11:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tanner99 View Post
My album will be pretty dark and its gonna be a concept album.
I would love any suggestions on my lyrics.

This songs gonna be pretty upbeat. Probably one of my first songs in my album.

I see you in the distance
I need some assistance

My legs have been amputated
and my heart has been torn out
I am dead and there is no doubt

Do I need to shout!
I know you hear me!
I need some attention
You're really building up some tension..

My legs have been amputated
and my heart has been torn out
I am dead and there is no doubt

**** you
**** you
**** you
**** you

You're too ignorant for me
Cant you see you have blinded me
Then threw me into the black sea

You have killed me by making me kill myself

I can't move
but my eyes are open
I see
The world above me

The fishes start nibbling on my eyes
And an eel goes down my throat
And pops out of my hollow chest
out of my hollow chest...


ok next song. This will be a faster song. Heavy distortion and such.

I know I am dead
But I plan to come back
To show you my hate

I'm dealin with the devil
I am a rebel
Life Isn't fair
When you have an affair
You should be prepared...

Resurrection from cause of Abomination
Resurrection from cause of Abomination
Resurrection from cause of Abomination
Resurrection from cause of Abomination

I'm signing a declaration
For world Domination
I'm signing a declaration
For world Domination

I will rise where I died
There will be no place to hide
All this because you lied

Sleep tight
I will be back soon and I will devour you and everyone else

In this song I will add a lot of distortion and delay on my voice.

The fire within my eyes burn so deeply
I told you, you should'nt have decieved me
Now I am out of the sea
All of you should flee

I am here to cause some destruction
I have no other function
Then to make you see your fate

Scream for help
Look for faith

Scream for help
Look for faith

Scream for help
Look for faith

There is no escape

Do you still believe
Or do you still think i'm a fake?

I will personally take you to Hell!

I am the angel that fell
I am the forsaken one
I am your worst nightmare


Ok, 4th song. gonna be slow and acoustic.

Our doom is near
There is a lot of fear
There are a lot of tears

Our time has come
There is nothing to do but sigh and cry
It's the end of humanity

The sun is black
I wish we can go back
to the happier times or earth
but the darkness has fallen upon us...

Hush my little angel
dont you cry
we will soon be put out of our misery

we cant do a thing
so lets just enjoy our last day on earth together

What have we done to deserve this?
All I want is one last kiss
Before we depart
from this world of dark......

its so raww. someone help me!!!

Greatest song ever. Except focus on more grotesque/stupid sounding lyrics rather than corny, "one last kiss" bull****.
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Old 07-08-2009, 12:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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haha. you talking about the last one? what should i write instead?
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Old 07-09-2009, 01:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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more opnions please?
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Old 07-09-2009, 02:53 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
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Default Revenge Fantasy songs...and one love song

Hi, Tanner99,
I categorize your first three songs as "revenge fantasy" songs and feel they show anger and the desire for revenge effectively, while the final song is a somewhat chilling love song. Your planned instrumentals (guitar with distortion for the middle two, and acoustic guitar for the love song) sound appropriately chosen.

The "revenge fantasy" songs, as I view them, are scary because they sound like what I imagine someone would write if he/she were potentially planning to kill the person/people at whom the anger is directed. Let's hope the songs work to help listeners burn off steam rather than urge them on to commit atrocities (world domination, etc.)!

In the first song, the line that is the scariest, I feel, is this one:

Quote:
You have killed me by making me kill myself
because when a person kills herself she makes the choice herself, and so it is scary to think of someone not realizing that she is responsible for her own actions, rather than someone else being responsible (no matter how awfully that other person acted). (Of course, there are, probably, true scenarios in which killers *have* arranged it so that a person is forced somehow to kill herself...a subject, I imagine, of a fair number of horror movies).

I feel the order of the songs works well, since you begin with a dead underwater song (that also describes with strong imagery that experience of being killed), then have two songs about returning from the dead for revenge, followed by a more loving song.

The scariest part of the final love song, for me, are these lines:
Quote:
Hush my little angel
don't you cry
we will soon be put out of our misery
because it combines both consolation ("hush my little angel") and horror (since the consolation isn't very consoling...being put out of our misery).
This song may especially appeal to people who believe there will be a religious "end of the world."

I have two recommendations for the final love song:

When you write
Quote:
Our doom is near
There is a lot of fear
There are a lot of tears
the lines "there is a lot of fear/There are a lot of tears" sound anti-climactic because of the use of "there is," which I feel lacks punch. Perhaps you could write something that (at least to me) maintains the intensity of "doom" a little more, such as, perhaps,

Our doom is near.
People/we are consumed by fear
and drenched in tears.

Also, when you write:

Quote:
The sun is black
I wish we can go back
to the happier times or earth
but the darkness has fallen upon us...
I feel you should replace "can" with "could," because "could" means something that can't actually happen.

--Erica
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Old 07-09-2009, 06:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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yo thanks a lot man. that was a lot of help!!

yeah i also hope people don't take the lyrics too literally

any more opinions will be appreciated!
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Old 07-15-2009, 12:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
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come one guys. im feeling demoralized that more people arent replying
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Old 07-15-2009, 01:00 AM   #9 (permalink)
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They're awful, seriously. Best advice I can give you is start over.
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Old 07-15-2009, 07:59 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bungalow View Post
They're awful, seriously. Best advice I can give you is start over.
Hi, Bungalow,
What, specifically, do you feel is awful about the songs? This information may be helpful to tanner99. For example, is it the subject matter or the way it is presented that you find to be awful? If it is the way it is presented, how would you improve the presentation of the subject matter?

Looking again at the first song, for example, I could note two issues:

(1) The song is, I think, supposed to be serious. Therefore it sticks out when some humor is added (for the sake of rhyming lines, perhaps)...

Quote:
I need some attention
You're really building up some tension..
...since "tension" is an understatement for the harshness of the condition in which the "protagonist/antagonist" is in.

(2) There are some inconsistencies in verb tense use:

Quote:
Cant you see you have blinded me
Then threw me into the black sea
I would recommend saying,
"Can't you see you blinded me
then threw me into the black sea."

Also, I would like to hear how the words are meshed with the tune to be able to tell more about the flow of the song, since the stanza lengths are different throughout the song, and I'm not sure how (well) they will mesh with the actual music.

I feel the basic (underlying) subject matter of the songs is summarized in the first two lines, and this subject is an important one about which a lot of songs can be written (as tanner99 is doing):

Quote:
I see you in the distance
I need some assistance
Doesn't this describe the major problem with humanity? People are so focused inwardly on their own needs/wishes that they don't see or don't care to see, and really don't want to help all those around them who are hurt or suffering and whom they themselves have hurt? The protagonist in the 4th song is dealing with the ultimate sadness (from a human perspective) caused by violence/destruction...the end of the world.

The songs show one way of reacting to this societal sociopathy, which is with rage and revenge. We see this decision, unfortunately, expressed all too often in actual acts of physical violence throughout the world. If only more people wrote about it in songs rather than actually being violent!

--Erica
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If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"

Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 07-15-2009 at 08:06 AM.
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