What Do You Think Of These Lyrics?

brentc106 · 11-24-2009, 03:28 AM

my first try pretty *** but oh well

Thats when i notice you
For weeks i try and find who you
Over those weeks i start gathering information
Its almost as if im stalking
I finally get the nerves to talk to you
But you just ignore me

Can you please tell me
Tell me why your so amazing
What someone like you
Could be put in my life for
At first it thourt to help me
But all you did was wreak me

One amazing day
You say hey to me
I feel like I should turn around
And run away
My wobbly legs carry me away...
Away into the distance
I shake non stop for
Ten minutes
I just think to myself

Can you please tell me
Tell me why your so amazing
What someone like you
Could be put in my life for
At first it thourt to help me
But all you did was wreak me

We became better friends
I’m starting to over come my fear...
My fear of talking to you
Then your friends approach me
I’m scared of what they are you to say
But they say something good
I cant believe what I’m hearing
I don’t know if its a joke
If i should believe them
I say ‘yes’ not knowing if i would regret my decision
My decision was a good
Can you please tell me
Tell me why your so amazing
What someone like you
Could be put in my life for
At first it thourt to help me
But all you did was wreak me

But it would not long after that
i ever regret saying that one word
‘YES’
I don’t know what happened
I don’t know what went wrong
Could you possible tell me?
You used to tell me everything
Now your ever so quiet
You don’t make a sound
I all ways hear rumours
Of you , so many that
I don’t know what to believe anymore
Your so amazing
so amazing
so amazing.

VeggieLover · 11-29-2009, 01:35 PM

mmmk. well...first of all there is this thing called "spellcheck" I think maybe you need to learn how to use it. Not a diss...just an observation. It makes poetry especially hard to read when all kinds of words are misspelled.

Second, i have no idea how old you are, but im gonna take a wild guess and say middle school. People in other contexts don't ask ppl out through their friends.

BUT that's really beside the point. Assuming I'm right, the goal right now is not to write the best song ever...but more to explore yourself and your world through poetry and lyrics (and if you play an instrument or sing..music). Which it sounds like you are doing. Keep it up.

On the poem itself... not bad. You've captured the "quaint" inner drama of the whole experience quite well. It's very literal, which isn't neccessarily bad. Some of your word choice is strange (im going to blame an ill-used spell check or just not knowing how to spell) so it needs to be edited. Try looking for and replacing "tired" words -- that is, words that are used so often that they get tired and lose effect. Strong words don't have to be big to be powerful...sometimes the power comes in combination of words that aren't usually associated with eachother.

Anyway, enough of my writing lecture.. Keep up the good work and keep posting (in a thread just for you). You're gonna go far if you keep practicing.

brentc106 · 11-30-2009, 12:11 AM

I was at a party, just passing through
reaching over for a glass, thats when i noticed you,
you were stood over in the corner with a gleem in your eye
I wanted to walk over but i guess i was shy

By chance, i dont think so, girl you looked so amazing
i was too slow though, you had my fire blazing
Im asking

Can you please tell me
Tell me why your so amazing
Why someone like you
Could be put in my life for
At first it thourt to help me
But all you did was wreak me

After weeks of you on my mind, i finally see you
this time no mistakes, I approach so i am near you
my legs wobble again, this cant happen again
you start to walk away and i cant help but say girl

Can you please tell me
Tell me why your so amazing
Why someone like you
Could be put in my life for
At first it thourt to help me
But all you did was wreak me

Is That Better?

VeggieLover · 12-01-2009, 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brentc106

I was at a party, just passing through
reaching over for a glass, thats when i noticed you,
you were stood over in the corner with a gleem in your eye
I wanted to walk over but i guess i was shy

By chance, i dont think so, girl you looked so amazing
i was too slow though, you had my fire blazing (ahh, a bit over used.. espcially since you use amazing in the chorus)
Im asking

Can you please tell me
Tell me why your so amazing
Why someone like you
Could be put in my life for
At first it thourt (I dont know what this word is supposed to be) to help me
But all you did was wreak me (Do you mean wreck me?)

After weeks of you on my mind, i finally see you
this time no mistakes, I approach so i am near you
my legs wobble again, this cant happen again
you start to walk away and i cant help but say girl

Can you please tell me
Tell me why your so amazing
Why someone like you
Could be put in my life for
At first it thourt to help me
But all you did was wreak me

Is That Better?

Other than a few nitpicky things, this is Jaw Droppingly better. I think you just posted the unedited version so that you would come across as genius the second time around. I can't stop sputtering at how much better it is. The topic is simple, but if its coupled with endearingly simple music, you've practically got a hit in the making. Especially if ur cute. (hate to say it but its true. Cuteness sometimes gets you further than talent. Just look at Taylor Swift) Are you?

The chorus could still use just a teeny bit of tweaking...but just subtley. Nice.

brentc106 · 12-01-2009, 11:50 PM

HAHA thanks,umm im a pimpley little freak and the music im playing is real heavy,so screaming and what not

~~Sansa Stark~~ · 12-02-2009, 12:35 AM

oh goodness

Phantom Limb · 12-09-2009, 06:46 PM

I would say that if this was my song, i would go for making the lyrics way more cryptic, because thats what Im into. otherwise, i think you have a solid song on your hands

l337m4n · 12-19-2009, 01:13 PM

It's more like a narrative or a story more than lyrics (for the first one). I would try to rhyme a few endings even if your screaming it. Try to be less literal, skip unneeded adjectives and small situations like reaching for a glass and replace it with what you noticed or felt.Something like almost dropping my glass when i notice you can affect more that just reaching for it etc. You have a lot to work on like me, but your story telling is good and being more cryptic/less literal will help. Maye get some proactive if your going to be the lead singer :P

OceanAndSilence · 12-19-2009, 11:08 PM

think of a song like this;

|`````````````|
| verse 1
|_____________|
|
chorus
|
|`````````````|
|
| verse 2
|
|_____________|
|
chorus
|
|`````````````|
|
|
| verse 3
|
|
|_____________|

in other words, the chorus is the main point while the verses expose the events of a story. start, problem, resolution. you can add a bridge, only have one chorus, start the song with a resolution and finish with the problem etc, just make sure that you take the story somewhere, so that you guide the audience when they listen to the song. right now all i get is "i saw you once and i was too nervous to talk to you, i saw you again a few weeks later, and i'm still too nervous to talk to you." nothing's changed. BUT you could use that; the point of your song could be "if i'm here two weeks later why do i still feel the same way i always did?", and so on. it's really up to you to explore your own emotions. that's what makes a good song... knowing yourself well enough so you can say and play the way you feel succinctly, if poetically.

the words themselves aren't bad. not fantastic, but i've seen WAY worse (including my songs) so i have to give kudos since it's your first song. experiment with metaphor and your imagination. songs do not have to be based in reality and that is what's so great about them. you have the artistic freedom of doing whatever the **** you want, so make it as interesting as possible.

~~Harry~~ · 12-20-2009, 11:26 PM

I disagree with above posters. A song absolutely does not have to be in that specific order. Sure, a chorus would be desirable, but there is free verse music that's just a story. A lot of country is like that, and to be frank, music is quite ace in that respect. I love a song with a story. Perhaps throw in a repeated chorus or lines somewhere, but the story-telling aspect of it is brill.

11-24-2009, 03:28 AM	#1 (permalink)
brentc106 Groupie Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 6	What Do You Think Of These Lyrics? my first try pretty *** but oh well Thats when i notice you For weeks i try and find who you Over those weeks i start gathering information Its almost as if im stalking I finally get the nerves to talk to you But you just ignore me Can you please tell me Tell me why your so amazing What someone like you Could be put in my life for At first it thourt to help me But all you did was wreak me One amazing day You say hey to me I feel like I should turn around And run away My wobbly legs carry me away... Away into the distance I shake non stop for Ten minutes I just think to myself Can you please tell me Tell me why your so amazing What someone like you Could be put in my life for At first it thourt to help me But all you did was wreak me We became better friends I’m starting to over come my fear... My fear of talking to you Then your friends approach me I’m scared of what they are you to say But they say something good I cant believe what I’m hearing I don’t know if its a joke If i should believe them I say ‘yes’ not knowing if i would regret my decision My decision was a good Can you please tell me Tell me why your so amazing What someone like you Could be put in my life for At first it thourt to help me But all you did was wreak me But it would not long after that i ever regret saying that one word ‘YES’ I don’t know what happened I don’t know what went wrong Could you possible tell me? You used to tell me everything Now your ever so quiet You don’t make a sound I all ways hear rumours Of you , so many that I don’t know what to believe anymore Your so amazing so amazing so amazing.

11-29-2009, 01:35 PM	#2 (permalink)
VeggieLover Music?! Lets boogie! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: CO Posts: 215	mmmk. well...first of all there is this thing called "spellcheck" I think maybe you need to learn how to use it. Not a diss...just an observation. It makes poetry especially hard to read when all kinds of words are misspelled. Second, i have no idea how old you are, but im gonna take a wild guess and say middle school. People in other contexts don't ask ppl out through their friends. BUT that's really beside the point. Assuming I'm right, the goal right now is not to write the best song ever...but more to explore yourself and your world through poetry and lyrics (and if you play an instrument or sing..music). Which it sounds like you are doing. Keep it up. On the poem itself... not bad. You've captured the "quaint" inner drama of the whole experience quite well. It's very literal, which isn't neccessarily bad. Some of your word choice is strange (im going to blame an ill-used spell check or just not knowing how to spell) so it needs to be edited. Try looking for and replacing "tired" words -- that is, words that are used so often that they get tired and lose effect. Strong words don't have to be big to be powerful...sometimes the power comes in combination of words that aren't usually associated with eachother. Anyway, enough of my writing lecture.. Keep up the good work and keep posting (in a thread just for you). You're gonna go far if you keep practicing. __________________ "Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

12-19-2009, 11:08 PM	#9 (permalink)
OceanAndSilence i write and play stuff Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 239	think of a song like this; \|`````````````\| \| verse 1 \|_____________\| \| chorus \| \|`````````````\| \| \| verse 2 \| \|_____________\| \| chorus \| \|`````````````\| \| \| \| verse 3 \| \| \|_____________\| in other words, the chorus is the main point while the verses expose the events of a story. start, problem, resolution. you can add a bridge, only have one chorus, start the song with a resolution and finish with the problem etc, just make sure that you take the story somewhere, so that you guide the audience when they listen to the song. right now all i get is "i saw you once and i was too nervous to talk to you, i saw you again a few weeks later, and i'm still too nervous to talk to you." nothing's changed. BUT you could use that; the point of your song could be "if i'm here two weeks later why do i still feel the same way i always did?", and so on. it's really up to you to explore your own emotions. that's what makes a good song... knowing yourself well enough so you can say and play the way you feel succinctly, if poetically. the words themselves aren't bad. not fantastic, but i've seen WAY worse (including my songs) so i have to give kudos since it's your first song. experiment with metaphor and your imagination. songs do not have to be based in reality and that is what's so great about them. you have the artistic freedom of doing whatever the **** you want, so make it as interesting as possible. __________________ http://www.myspace.com/chrisneto - tune in to chill out

11-30-2009, 12:11 AM	#3 (permalink)
brentc106 Groupie Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 6	I was at a party, just passing through reaching over for a glass, thats when i noticed you, you were stood over in the corner with a gleem in your eye I wanted to walk over but i guess i was shy By chance, i dont think so, girl you looked so amazing i was too slow though, you had my fire blazing Im asking Can you please tell me Tell me why your so amazing Why someone like you Could be put in my life for At first it thourt to help me But all you did was wreak me After weeks of you on my mind, i finally see you this time no mistakes, I approach so i am near you my legs wobble again, this cant happen again you start to walk away and i cant help but say girl Can you please tell me Tell me why your so amazing Why someone like you Could be put in my life for At first it thourt to help me But all you did was wreak me Is That Better?

12-01-2009, 11:50 PM	#5 (permalink)
brentc106 Groupie Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 6	HAHA thanks,umm im a pimpley little freak and the music im playing is real heavy,so screaming and what not

12-02-2009, 12:35 AM	#6 (permalink)
~~Sansa Stark~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: The Eyrie, Vale of Arryn, Westeros Posts: 3,234	oh goodness

12-09-2009, 06:46 PM	#7 (permalink)
Phantom Limb Chocolate Homunculus Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 1,293	I would say that if this was my song, i would go for making the lyrics way more cryptic, because thats what Im into. otherwise, i think you have a solid song on your hands

12-19-2009, 01:13 PM	#8 (permalink)
l337m4n Groupie Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 2	It's more like a narrative or a story more than lyrics (for the first one). I would try to rhyme a few endings even if your screaming it. Try to be less literal, skip unneeded adjectives and small situations like reaching for a glass and replace it with what you noticed or felt.Something like almost dropping my glass when i notice you can affect more that just reaching for it etc. You have a lot to work on like me, but your story telling is good and being more cryptic/less literal will help. Maye get some proactive if your going to be the lead singer :P

12-20-2009, 11:26 PM	#10 (permalink)
~~Harry~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Leith Posts: 72	I disagree with above posters. A song absolutely does not have to be in that specific order. Sure, a chorus would be desirable, but there is free verse music that's just a story. A lot of country is like that, and to be frank, music is quite ace in that respect. I love a song with a story. Perhaps throw in a repeated chorus or lines somewhere, but the story-telling aspect of it is brill.