Song I wrote

teehee_1212 · 02-14-2010, 04:26 AM

I wrote some lyics to a song and was wondering what people thought...

As the crickets sing me a lullaby and the birds all fall asleep,
I remember what you said to me as I lay down to weep,
Dry your eyes my baby now and think of you and me,
'Cuz I am here and so are you and this is all we need,

Do you remember, the times we shared?
Do you remember, the things you said?
Do you remember, what happened here?
Do you remember, what we did that year?

As the birds outside my window chirp and pull me out of sleep,
For a second I think you're still here in this bed with me,
But then a thought pops in my head and I remember what you did,
I start to cry but tell myself that this is nothing big,

Do you remember, the times we shared?
Do you remember, the things we said?
Do you remember, what we did here?
Do you remember, what happened that year?

As I go right through my day, you never leave my head,
I wish I'd never said those things and I start seeing red,

It's not finished but I'd like to see what someone else thinks
=) thanks

t3hplatyz0rz · 02-14-2010, 11:17 AM

What's with all these breakup songs? First "On a Sunny Day", then "After Death Hater", and now you.
Anyway.

What I generally like to say to people with unfinished songs is that they really don't need to write any more. But you do. You have two characters in this song so far, the narrator and the one she/he broke up with. (She?)
But I really haven't seen very much about the second character. It would be nice to see them do something meet each-other and get into a huge fight, or some sort of climactic event like that.
Or, you could not do that. It's your song.

Anyway, I like the strong similarities in-between the different lines of the chorus, and the two verses. The first line of the two verses is very similar which is good. IDK why, it's just cool. And the whole "do you remember when..." thing is very prominent. But I would not suggest including it too many times because it seems to be a little bit repetitive.

tamz96 · 12-16-2010, 03:40 PM

Fantastic do you mind if i use this if u add more in a way it could be rapped about your loved one being taken away to another man

Chaplin · 12-19-2010, 08:54 PM

it's ok. "what happened that year" kind of interrupts the artistic flow imo but if it fits great where vocal intonation goes, use it if it has a deep meaning to you. it's a little hard to judge a song based on a situation not knowing the situation and how well you may have captured it. but as lyrics by themselves they're ok to good i would rate. not great, but not bad either. you didn't cover anything especially interesting. what u did mention you stayed vague to the listener. not much that someone going through the same situation could really latch onto and say wow they know how i feel and captured that beautifully

lyricsdude · 12-29-2010, 08:45 AM

I like it =) it seems to have a nice flow to it

So is this like a slower song, or country-ish-sounding, or what? jw =)

02-14-2010, 04:26 AM	#1 (permalink)
teehee_1212 Groupie Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 1	Song I wrote I wrote some lyics to a song and was wondering what people thought... As the crickets sing me a lullaby and the birds all fall asleep, I remember what you said to me as I lay down to weep, Dry your eyes my baby now and think of you and me, 'Cuz I am here and so are you and this is all we need, Do you remember, the times we shared? Do you remember, the things you said? Do you remember, what happened here? Do you remember, what we did that year? As the birds outside my window chirp and pull me out of sleep, For a second I think you're still here in this bed with me, But then a thought pops in my head and I remember what you did, I start to cry but tell myself that this is nothing big, Do you remember, the times we shared? Do you remember, the things we said? Do you remember, what we did here? Do you remember, what happened that year? As I go right through my day, you never leave my head, I wish I'd never said those things and I start seeing red, It's not finished but I'd like to see what someone else thinks =) thanks Last edited by teehee_1212; 02-14-2010 at 04:30 AM. Reason: bad grammar lol

12-16-2010, 03:40 PM	#3 (permalink)
tamz96 Groupie Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 2	Fantastic do you mind if i use this if u add more in a way it could be rapped about your loved one being taken away to another man

12-19-2010, 08:54 PM	#4 (permalink)
Chaplin Groupie Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 17	it's ok. "what happened that year" kind of interrupts the artistic flow imo but if it fits great where vocal intonation goes, use it if it has a deep meaning to you. it's a little hard to judge a song based on a situation not knowing the situation and how well you may have captured it. but as lyrics by themselves they're ok to good i would rate. not great, but not bad either. you didn't cover anything especially interesting. what u did mention you stayed vague to the listener. not much that someone going through the same situation could really latch onto and say wow they know how i feel and captured that beautifully

12-29-2010, 08:45 AM	#5 (permalink)
lyricsdude Groupie Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16	I like it =) it seems to have a nice flow to it So is this like a slower song, or country-ish-sounding, or what? jw =)