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Old 04-09-2011, 10:27 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Post i came here to write/just go with it

i just came here to write
liek i went over there to grab the money i didnt have, to meet the honey who number i got at the pay and stop YEA RIGHT, i couldnt swing it like the swing kids, hold on to your cap, bottle neck skateboard ramp, no i did it different, me and my buddy steve( i guess we can call him that) never did it like the ****heads, the ****heads who never worry bot nothing, whos homework was just plain old ****in' i got it different, but i dont have it bad, i think theres jsut an old withered blind man behind my conscience, may look liek ray charles, may look like handsome mabel, who ever that is, who ever that was, cuss, bliss, lust,cuss, blist, lust, cuss, bliss lust.
But we did it different we did it like the romans, we ran like mice, we sang it like the choir, we may have just shaken up ourselves. we mine as well have just lit ourselves on fire, we mine as well have just hammered it on ourselves. we could have done anything, and we never did nothing. i'm dead now so just go with it.
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Old 04-09-2011, 10:51 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by RYPHIL View Post
i just came here to write
liek i went over there to grab the money i didnt have, to meet the honey who number i got at the pay and stop YEA RIGHT, i couldnt swing it like the swing kids, hold on to your cap, bottle neck skateboard ramp, no i did it different, me and my buddy steve( i guess we can call him that) never did it like the ****heads, the ****heads who never worry bot nothing, whos homework was just plain old ****in' i got it different, but i dont have it bad, i think theres jsut an old withered blind man behind my conscience, may look liek ray charles, may look like handsome mabel, who ever that is, who ever that was, cuss, bliss, lust,cuss, blist, lust, cuss, bliss lust.
But we did it different we did it like the romans, we ran like mice, we sang it like the choir, we may have just shaken up ourselves. we mine as well have just lit ourselves on fire, we mine as well have just hammered it on ourselves. we could have done anything, and we never did nothing. i'm dead now so just go with it.
Not bad. I can tell this was more like a free write yes?

When you work on your next one to post I would work on formating it a bit so that it's a bit easier on the eyes to read and I believe during the cuss bliss part, you might say that with pauses in between to emphasize the point of that a bit more. That's how I read it to myself as if there were pauses and I really liked that part.

Another part that stood out to me was the whole "we did it like Romans" part. I don't remember my world history too much but when I picture Romans , I picture them as fighters not people that run away like mice so that whole metaphor is a bit off imo.
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Old 04-10-2011, 03:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by djchameleon View Post
Not bad. I can tell this was more like a free write yes?

When you work on your next one to post I would work on formating it a bit so that it's a bit easier on the eyes to read and I believe during the cuss bliss part, you might say that with pauses in between to emphasize the point of that a bit more. That's how I read it to myself as if there were pauses and I really liked that part.

Another part that stood out to me was the whole "we did it like Romans" part. I don't remember my world history too much but when I picture Romans , I picture them as fighters not people that run away like mice so that whole metaphor is a bit off imo.
yes it is a free write, ive been using my ps3 as my computer so i havent been able to make a good line break, hahah. we did it like romans, we ran like mice, was jsut a symbolic sense, yes a fighter, yes a coward, it was to show more of both sides.
glad you enjoyed it im down for any criticism, thanks.
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