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Old 12-11-2011, 12:06 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My first poem ever

I see what I wish to become
on transparent slivers
laid out on a bright lit screen
as I live
a sliver is placed on top
with each sliver
a new illusion is created
a vision emerges;
a hollow satisfaction
of my creative thirst
I believe I am maturing

As the slivers accumulate
squinting for a new vision
becomes a hopeless effort
every new sliver holds back
too much light
and creates to much distortion

who the hell am I
and the where the hell am I going

I just want to remember what
I saw first
but against all my efforts
the slivers only begin to pile

Last edited by Odyshape; 12-11-2011 at 04:03 AM.
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Old 12-11-2011, 09:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Not bad. Very neat, consistent, not excessive.

Apart from not as good as the type of poems that begin with 'There once was a man from Nantucket', but those deserve a special regard, it's a good start. Honestly though, I'd keep at it. Seems a natural assemblage of words. No ego, just thought.
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Old 12-11-2011, 10:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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For a first try that actually not too shabby at all. Nice one.
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Old 12-11-2011, 12:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Odyshape View Post
who the hell am I
and the where the hell am I going

I just want to remember what
I saw first
but against all my efforts
the slivers only begin to pile
This is actually very good.

That was adorable.
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Old 12-11-2011, 02:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ska Lagos Jew Sun Ra View Post
Not bad. Very neat, consistent, not excessive.

Apart from not as good as the type of poems that begin with 'There once was a man from Nantucket', but those deserve a special regard, it's a good start.
Honestly though, I'd keep at it. Seems a natural assemblage of words. No ego, just thought.
Sorry what did you mean by this?
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Old 12-11-2011, 02:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Odyshape View Post
Sorry what did you mean by this?
He's talking about limericks.
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