My first poem ever - Music Banter Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-10-2011, 11:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
Account Disabled
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 526
Default My first poem ever

I see what I wish to become
on transparent slivers
laid out on a bright lit screen
as I live
a sliver is placed on top
with each sliver
a new illusion is created
a vision emerges;
a hollow satisfaction
of my creative thirst
I believe I am maturing

As the slivers accumulate
squinting for a new vision
becomes a hopeless effort
every new sliver holds back
too much light
and creates to much distortion

who the hell am I
and the where the hell am I going

I just want to remember what
I saw first
but against all my efforts
the slivers only begin to pile

Last edited by Odyshape; 12-11-2011 at 03:03 AM.
Odyshape is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2011, 08:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
\/ GOD
 
Ska Lagos Jew Sun Ra's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Nowhere...
Posts: 2,179
Default

Not bad. Very neat, consistent, not excessive.

Apart from not as good as the type of poems that begin with 'There once was a man from Nantucket', but those deserve a special regard, it's a good start. Honestly though, I'd keep at it. Seems a natural assemblage of words. No ego, just thought.
__________________
Quote:
Terence Hill, as recently confirmed during an interview to an Italian TV talk-show, was offered the role but rejected it because he considered it "too violent". Dustin Hoffman and John Travolta declined the role for the same reason. When Al Pacino was considered for the role of John Rambo, he turned it down when his request that Rambo be more of a madman was rejected.
Al Pacino = God
Ska Lagos Jew Sun Ra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2011, 09:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Calm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 9
Default

For a first try that actually not too shabby at all. Nice one.
Calm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2011, 11:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
Get in ma belly
 
Salami's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Derbyshire
Posts: 1,385
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Odyshape View Post
who the hell am I
and the where the hell am I going

I just want to remember what
I saw first
but against all my efforts
the slivers only begin to pile
This is actually very good.

That was adorable.
Salami is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2011, 01:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
Account Disabled
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 526
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ska Lagos Jew Sun Ra View Post
Not bad. Very neat, consistent, not excessive.

Apart from not as good as the type of poems that begin with 'There once was a man from Nantucket', but those deserve a special regard, it's a good start.
Honestly though, I'd keep at it. Seems a natural assemblage of words. No ego, just thought.
Sorry what did you mean by this?
Odyshape is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2011, 01:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
Get in ma belly
 
Salami's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Derbyshire
Posts: 1,385
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Odyshape View Post
Sorry what did you mean by this?
He's talking about limericks.
Salami is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads
  • Poem about everything, Games, Lists, Jokes and Polls Forum, 12 replies
  • Mb Poem, The Lounge Forum, 21 replies
  • Poem, :O, Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry Forum, 0 replies
  • the poem, Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry Forum, 3 replies
  • Other poem, Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry Forum, 4 replies



© 2003-2024 Advameg, Inc.