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Old 07-10-2005, 04:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Post Two more songs, but these haven't been named.

Can someone tell me what they think this time, puhleeeeease? Oh, and name suggestions?

This one is about heartbreak, but it sound better with the music. It's kind of like Radiohead - No Surprises, but with different chords.

Meaningful looks across the room,
"Penny for your thoughts",
But you won't ever tell me.

Your guitar,
Still ringing in my ear,
The sound of your voice...
Makes me want to disappear,
Makes me want to disappear,
Makes me want to disappear,
Forever.

I see,
Your beauty so much,
It scares me.

Leave me,
Feeling weak and helpless,
Again.

I've never got to know,
What's hiding,
Behind those eyes,
What's hiding,
Behind the smile you put on everyday...

If only you trusted me that way.

Run away,
I'll leave you behind me,
It's the only way to,
Finally,
Give you what you need.

I'm sorry I'm not beautiful, to you...

I'm sorry I'm not what you need, or wanted...


And then this one is about my alcoholism.

I do have control,
I'll say when tonight,
Five or six shots,
Just to make things right.
Emptiness fills this space,
All on my own,
My head's spinning,
This doesn't feel like home.
My heart's a mess,
My life's a waste,
Just another sip...
Just another taste.
"Maybe I should stop?",
I've asked a thousand times,
So here's where I get lost,
Too lost to see the signs.
Wake up a wreck,
My life's gone downhill,
Just another mess,
Just another bill.
I already need one,
So I pour another drink,
Never allow myself,
Enough time to think.

Let me know what you think...?
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You're treading on awfully thin ice darling,
it's so awfully thin.
It's almost turning to water,
as
we
speak.

*~~#You.Are.Too.Far.Gone.^'||¬.
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Old 07-10-2005, 04:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Ok I'll tell you what I think. I like/hate the second one. I like it because it's really quite good and it's honest, but I hate it because it reminds me of a friend of mine.
It begins with hope and then slowly deteriorates and ends in despair (like my friend).
See now I'm depressed. I do like it though.
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Old 07-10-2005, 11:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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The second one was the first thing that I actually felt the need to reply to on this forum.... it is a tad bit short though
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Old 07-11-2005, 03:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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i like the second one but i agree with JMOmandown it's a bit short for my liking
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Old 07-11-2005, 04:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Don't write lyrics myself. So... for what it's worth, I think the song obviously needs a chorus. In between every 8th line would divide it up nicely.
By the way, it gets better each time I read it.
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Old 07-12-2005, 02:31 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Aha. Thanks for your comments everyone. As for putting in a chorus... Would this work? Let me know.

I do have control,
I'll say when tonight,
Five or six shots,
Just to make things right.
Emptiness fills this space,
All on my own,
My head's spinning,
This doesn't feel like home.

You say you want to help me,
But it's not what I need,
You say you want to make things better,
But you aren't who I need...

My heart's a mess,
My life's a waste,
Just another sip...
Just another taste.
"Maybe I should stop?",
I've asked a thousand times,
So here's where I get lost,
Too lost to see the signs.

You say you want to help me,
But it's not what I need,
You say you want to make things better,
But you aren't who I need...

Wake up a wreck,
My life's gone downhill,
Just another mess,
Just another bill.
I already need one,
So I pour another drink,
Never allow myself,
Enough time to think.
__________________
I never wanted to love you, but that's okay...
I always knew that you'd leave me anyway.

You're treading on awfully thin ice darling,
it's so awfully thin.
It's almost turning to water,
as
we
speak.

*~~#You.Are.Too.Far.Gone.^'||¬.
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Old 07-12-2005, 06:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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that's better i think now u have soemthing to seperate it into verses! coool!
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Old 07-13-2005, 04:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I don't understand how you can write something like this and then ask for name suggestions! I like the chorus and it looks more like a song now.

You say you want to help me,
But it's not what I need,
You say you want to make things better,
But you aren't who I need...

Ever think of swapping the 2nd and 4th line around i.e;

You say you want to help me,
But you are'nt who I need,
You say you want to make things better,
But it's not what I need...

Inferring what you need is another drink (just athought).
As for the song title, call it whatever you want, but if I'd written it (and I wish I had) then it would be called - 'What I Need'.
Top lyrics, Repeats!
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Old 07-14-2005, 08:14 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I like that a lot better, thanks. See...this is kind of why I post my stuff...so people can make suggestions on how to make things sound better, when they don't sound completely right to me. It's also nice to know what others think to give me more confidence...
I like the idea of having it called 'What I Need', I also thought about 'Control' (as a bit of a contradiction) but I'm not sure?

Thankyou for your comments, they are much appreciated.
__________________
I never wanted to love you, but that's okay...
I always knew that you'd leave me anyway.

You're treading on awfully thin ice darling,
it's so awfully thin.
It's almost turning to water,
as
we
speak.

*~~#You.Are.Too.Far.Gone.^'||¬.
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Old 07-21-2005, 01:13 AM   #10 (permalink)
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and,having other people's opinions and suggestions of improvement will give your audience(if you were to ever go seriously public with this) a better impression..as to say that you're a very good composer/writer...oh i dunno.
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