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Old 04-11-2015, 02:26 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Default Poem/song?

Not sure of a title or anything, could be a sea shanty? All critique welcome.


In an attic o'er the sea
Mirrored by your leaky smile
I stammer back in pidgin Morse
Inadequacies vile

Oh, tug those oars a little more
You've got no arms, you won't get sore
Surely rest awaits ashore
So tug those oars a little more

In an attic o'er the sea
Some ancient stranger paints your picture
She don't look much like you or me
Says, "That's just what I've been sayin' to her
But thanks all the same, Miss Morrissey"

Now tug those oars a little more,
Your back done broke before the oak
But surely rest awaits ashore
Won't you tug those oars a little more

In an attic o'er the sea
Supplies are swimming lanky low
Ain't no grapeshot in the cannon
Ain't no spices here but famine
So they clamour hoarse for pigeon morsels
And haddock ovaries

Oh, tug those oars a little more
Till your bones a-turn to stone
The shore's so near, your rest's assured
Just tug those oars a little more

In an attic o’er the sea
Tug those oars once more for me
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Old 04-11-2015, 02:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Surprisingly good considering your user name.

would like to see more of your stuff with a different writing style.
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Old 04-15-2015, 07:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Here's a poem I wrote in December 2014. I hope it passes the sniff test.

STARS ON BLANK CANVAS


Skyward night projects inky black
Urban activity settles down
In rarest synchronization we all absorb a common masterpiece
The unsullied beauty becoming stars on blank canvas
Although their visit may be brief
They're bound to return soon
To initiate wonder
How we small creatures
Conduct a voyage alongside something so immense
On its face our travels appear cul de sac
A racetrack with few clear cut winners
Through stars above we're not fodder for the wolves
Decimating our opportunities
Our opportunities up high both shifty and constant
Impermanence shouldn't trouble us
We won't have to worry forever
As long as stars visit our most genuine fantasies
Not everything we hear brandishes a despondent sting
They always remember to shine
So we can next day try to shine also
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Old 04-16-2015, 03:26 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks man, I tried to keep mindful of the rhythm but it may not come out the same way on the page as it does in my head; the second and third verses particularly.

Here is another one which is more like a poem than a song. Let me know what you think:

Home

I see home sharp in your eyes
I opened,
drove in
stairs sever my feet
like a saw metres high

with no sighs
no one sought
to explain why there's blood in the street

so
bare me your teeth and body both
entreat of me one good solid plod
down the cage of your breast

and
I shall anoint
the first stillborn metaphor
I can find
quaffing curds
off
April-shaped arrows
I found trapped in your chest

cleaving you from your words
leaving you for the birds


I shall name that lie in your throat
I shall name it Lester, for luck

and drown him in truth
like an oil-downed duck.
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