Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-19-2017, 01:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
SabrinaCallaghan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 3
Smile Opinion on lyrics?

I'm new to songwriting. Please give me honist opinions or advice
I havent come up with a chorus for this one,only verses

Tore my world apart,left me so broken
From the hole inside my heart.
You should've been my shoulder to cry on,
But here I am wondering,where have you gone?
I've got bite marks on my tounge,
From things ive never said.
Like when my mind told me things,
Like, "your better off dead"
Or, your the reason he's gone
"He didn't really care"
"No wonder he left"
"He didnt want to be there"
I'm sorry if I made you mad,
Tell me what did I do
Is do anything to take it back
Somehow make it up to you
Then everything would be Okay
Maybe youd be happier that way
But you looked at me in discrace
Dear dad,what did I do?
SabrinaCallaghan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2017, 02:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Daniel Moon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 17
Default

This sounds very nice!! If this is your first piece I am sure that in future you will get better and better!
Daniel Moon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2017, 06:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 5
Default

Awesome
Toothpick91 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-26-2017, 06:35 AM   #4 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 30
Default

I broke my Oppressive Awakening down like this:

Life is a trade-off
In the quest for peace
Of mind of matter
Of beauty of beast

The longer the time
entrenched in mind
The pain so intense
Frustration immense

Don't smile on me sun
You know not my heart
The shattered glass
Which rips me apart

As I walk alone
And hold off defeat
Know of my struggle
As I know your heat

It may not work for you, I'm kind of old school, but your lyrics are sound, deep, and they do flow in how you put them together. Just a thought.
Stockholm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-26-2017, 06:53 AM   #5 (permalink)
one-balled nipple jockey
 
OccultHawk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dirty Souf Biatch
Posts: 14,267
Default

The "dad" thing surprised me. I thought it was for a lost lover. You could maybe run with that by adding some sex into it. Like I gave you the best head I could but you still abandoned the family, DAD, type of direction.
OccultHawk is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-26-2017, 11:24 AM   #6 (permalink)
kibbeh
 
pansy gayboy 69's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2016
Location: nowhere
Posts: 646
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by OccultHawk View Post
The "dad" thing surprised me. I thought it was for a lost lover. You could maybe run with that by adding some sex into it. Like I gave you the best head I could but you still abandoned the family, DAD, type of direction.
lol
pansy gayboy 69 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



2003-2019 Advameg, Inc.

SEO by vBSEO 3.5.2 ©2010, Crawlability, Inc.