The Official Joke Thread

[simplephysics]

^ Haha, all so very, very true.

[highoctane93]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now we're talking!)



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A ****roach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. Creepy.

(But I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes...Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity.)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay... so that would be a good thing, right?)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that one out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[highoctane93]

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = aw shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

[Thom Yorke]

Random one-liners

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

‎"In retrospect, maybe I let the Hitler thing get a little out of hand." - God

"What the **** am I gonna do with myrrh..." - Jesus

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Bull****." - Snow White

Life can't be like a box of chocolates; fat people would enjoy it more.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

[The Virgin]

Originally Posted by Thom Yorke

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Bull****." - Snow White

[Thom Yorke]

More random one-liners:

I wan't to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

And the rest are from Mitch Hedberg:

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero?

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I played in a death-metal band. It was one of those bands where people either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were ok.

[Thom Yorke]

26 reasons why a dog is better than a wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a
day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you
a pervert.

19. A dog will not refuse to play with you until it gets a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on changing the music you're
listening to.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Macy's or Bath & Bodyworks.

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[Thom Yorke]

There are 3 things in life that are certain;

Death,

Taxes,

and that if you load up Windows Media Player and the volume control is set down to 5 out of 100, it means that the last person on there was watching porn.

[Wayfarer]

Originally Posted by BobLobLaw

What's the difference between pizza and a Jew?

Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

Really?

C'mon, holocaust jokes are just unacceptable, Anne Frankly I won't stand for them.

[Ghost]

What do you call a xenophobic orthodontist?

A bracist..........................lol