Tl;dr

Exactly.
http://www.trollheart.com/Tealdeer.gif

Too literal, didn't register.

Nah, but you need someone to take you through the story if you're going to tell a Norm MacDonald joke. I just read the first sentence, skipped to the end, didn't get it, then moved on. You suck.

Too lame; don't resign.

Damn my dad joke didn't make the cut.

Bruh, overly long stories that end in cheesy one liners need to have pacing and an orchestrated length. You just rambled. Presumably. Honestly doesn't matter cause no one was reading that so it was pointless.

So how did this rank on the dad joke scale

I mean it was just **** tbh. Dad jokes need to sound lazy, but you were clearly trying too hard. A pretentious dad joke isn't even a dad joke, it's just boring/10

The pretentious have working genitals too, I don't see how this doesn't qualify.