Granted. The sky is clear of both clouds and ozone. You die of skin cancer. Just you.

I wish I wasn't so goddamn classy

Granted. You are now a classless bum.

I wish I had a time machine.

Granted. It only takes you to the showers in a WWII concentration camp. You can't bring anything there, either.



I wish I was a bear

Granted. You have to **** in the woods.

I wish I had a million dollars.

Granted, but you have to walk on broken glass to get it.

I wish for a dark, handsome and tall man (with sexy hair) to whisk me away to a castle where we make love for hours and have servants to do all the work like cooking and cleaning.

pfffft. walk on glass, ain't no thang for one millions dollars.

Granted, but the sex is awkward and boring. The food, bland. The cleaning, half-assed. And you find your belongings suspiciously disappear.


And the castle is haunted by ghosts or whatever.


I wish I had straighter teeth.

Granted, but they're not in your mouth.

I wish I could fly like the king of the SKYYY

Granted, but you're propelled by infinite flatulence.

I wish I had boobs.

Granted. Now I get to stare at them.

I wish Iron Maiden would play my birthday party.

Granted. They play none of their eighties stuff and Bruce Dickinson is too drunk to show up.

I wish I had the two last LOTR books