Granted, but you're too large to fit in it.

I wish I could sing like The Residents.

You can, but you're only big in Siberia.

I wish I wasn't a terrible artist.

Granted, but you're too ahead of your time. No one gets the work you've dedicated your life to and you die penniless and unheard of.

I wish I could fit into the car that I was to big to fit in before.

Granted, but now you're too small to qualify for a license and you can't drive anyway.

I wish I had more instruments.

You ruin everything.

Granted, but you're a quadriplegic with no teeth.

I wish I didn't need sleep.

If you give up sex forever, you'll no longer need sleep.

I wish my cat could talk to me.

Could I just give up sex for like a week and not sleep for that week once in a while or something?

I wish my roommates, coworkers, employers, and just the general people I have to deal with in the real world weren't functioning on sub-human levels of intelligence.

Granted, but you're functioning on sub-human levels of intelligence.

I wish I had a root beer fountain.

They say stupid people are the happiest.

Granted but it's cut with toilet water.


I wish I was Jesus because **** it.

Granted. You're tortured and executed while still young.

I wish I was better writer