Reviewing a pile of VHS tapes I found by a dumpster

Oriphiel · 09-27-2018, 10:45 AM

A bunch of telepathic Cenobite rejects looking for the secret of immortality get their jollies off by punking people, and end up ****ing with the wrong guy, putting him in a hotel room with a dead hooker (lol, good prank, bro), only to find out that he has the same mind powers that they do.

This movie is basically one big video game cutscene. Everything about it, from the framing to the pacing to the music, just screams off-brand survival horror. It doesn't help that they use a lot of ****ty models for the cityscape shots that look like bad PS1 renders. And the villains are hilariously generic (pasty bald british dudes in leather that congregate in grimy places with green lighting, i.e. every sci-fi villain ever).

Keifer Sutherland gives the worst performance of his life, playing a mad scientist that for some reasons insists on speaking in increments of just one or two words per breath.

In fact, this movie has a lot of people who have done so much better, but clearly couldn't be bothered to try to save this ****.

One thing I can say, though, is that this movie is still kinda entertaining, in spite of everything. Lots of goofy **** to laugh at.

Tried to be 12 Monkeys, ended up more like Waterworld. Bottom of the sci-fi barrel.

Oriphiel · 09-27-2018, 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MicShazam

What movie is this and is it good?

Cherry 2000. It's not the best movie ever, but it's pretty fun.

The Batlord · 09-27-2018, 10:57 AM

I seem to remember Dark City's dreary 90s alt metal music video atmosphere being too tedious to laugh at.

Oriphiel · 09-27-2018, 04:35 PM

Aw, **** yeah! My man! The most pimpin' of all the fops!

The Scarlet Pimpernel is a badass spy operating in revolution torn France, working overtime to put an end to the rampant executions staged by the chop-happy guillotien bois, led by the infamous Robespierre. The Frenchies hate this Pimpernel dude, and would love to put him on the block, but there's a problem; they've got no ****ing clue who he actually is. And they'd certainly never guess that he was actually a notoriously vapid aristocratic dandy who seemingly cares far more about parties and naughty limericks than daring heists and rescues. Add in some sex, violence, and intrigue aplenty, and you've got a timeless story with a bunch of film versions.

I've seen one of the versions before, but not this one. I liked this one, though. Maybe not super high budget, but the actors and actresses are skilled enough to bring the core story to life. The actor who plays the Pimpernel in particular is ****ing great.

Good times. Fun action, witty banter, and charm aplenty. Too bad this is only the first part of the story, the rest being on the other two tapes of a three tape set. And, lo, the person who dumped this beautiful pile of tapes of which I am reviewing did not deign to leave the whole set. Well, sink me.

After the **** shows of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and Dark City, this breath of fresh air is enough to put a sweet orexis of vitality back into my loins and mind alike.

Oriphiel · 09-27-2018, 08:23 PM

You know what? This actually wasn't terrible. Pretty good tension. Not the best, but far, far, from the worst.

It's worth a watch just for this scene alone, which is probably the most unintentionally hilarious ventriloquist show ever. God, I was cracking up. It's like something Frownland would do to show Jeff Dunham how to make real art.

Oh, and there's a fun scene where the killer paints himself up to blend in with a wall, which is the most impractical thing ever, would have taken him hours (and actually, now that I think about it, probably wouldn't have even been possible for him to do all on his own), and would be useless in real life since anyone with depth perception who wasn't looking at you at just the right angle would still see a person jutting out of the wall. But it kinda looks creepy anyway.

So, yeah. S'alright.

~~[MERIT]~~ · 09-28-2018, 12:03 AM

I miss VHS

The Batlord · 09-28-2018, 02:55 AM

I miss Betacux.

~~Dude111~~ · 09-28-2018, 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oriphiel

They were there and I was bored. And yes, I do actually have a VHS player, because of course I do.

Very nice!!!!!

I would have loved finding a pile of VHS tapes

Any they recorded themselves from analogue cable/TV??

Good for you Oriphiel!!

Oriphiel · 09-28-2018, 06:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dude111

Very nice!!!!!

I would have loved finding a pile of VHS tapes

Any they recorded themselves from analogue cable/TV??

Good for you Oriphiel!!

Nah, they're legit copies, not home recordings. I think I'd probably be too scared to pop in an unlabeled tape for fear of the inevitable freaky porn.

Cute. I remember watching this when I was very young, and not really understanding what the **** was going. It's pretty good. Lots of great jokes and charm. Even the "tragic" ending is sort of treated like a "womp womp waaahhhh" moment.

Oriphiel · 09-29-2018, 05:19 AM

Guys, I'm not sure I can finish this movie. It's too much.

Val Kilmer gives one of the cringiest performances I've ever seen.

Starts with a flashback of the main guy growing up in a strict Catholic orphanage. When he and his bois sneak out of the dorm to meet up with the ladies, one of the nuns/teachers finds out, and she tells the head priest, who CHARGES OUT OF HIS ROOM WITH A BUNCH OF FUCKING ATTACK DOGS and sicks them on some poor girl, who goes flying off the landing and smashes her face on the ground and fucking dies.

Like, what?

Then the kid grows up to be Val Kilmer, and becomes a freelance spy. And by spy, I mean a guy who stumbles around as awful cultural stereotypes that he calls "disguises". His first disguise? A Russian (i.e. a guy with a Stalin stache) who for some reason has an Australian accent. Bravo, you stupid fuck.

Then he gets hired to steal the secret of cold fusion from some scientist lady, and finds out that she has a thing for sensitive guys. So he hangs out at her favorite monument dressed in a Fabio wig and leather pants, and awkwardly flirts with her in a bizarre Tommy Wisseau shit salad of an accent that just makes it sound like he has severe brain damage.

Then he stalks her, recites shitty poetry, pulls £800 out of his underwear, and cuts himself. And next thing you know, she's splooshing so hard she has to knock back some pills to keep her heart from exploding.

Then he decides that he likes her, and double crosses the overtly evil Russian guys who hired him to steal her research (who are also the same Russian dudes that he robbed at the beginning of the movie, but decided to work for them afterwards, 'cause why not).

And, yeah. I fell asleep. And I'm probably not gonna finish this stupid shit. Sorry.

Edit: I turned it back on, Crom help me. So the main guy ****ed the lady, decided to go through with the job after all and steal from her, and then acted all surprised when the evil Russians guys who hired him tried to stab him in the back. Aaaaaand now I'm done with his movie.

09-27-2018, 10:45 AM	#41 (permalink)
Oriphiel Ask me how! Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: The States Posts: 5,357	A bunch of telepathic Cenobite rejects looking for the secret of immortality get their jollies off by punking people, and end up **ing with the wrong guy, putting him in a hotel room with a dead hooker (lol, good prank, bro), only to find out that he has the same mind powers that they do. This movie is basically one big video game cutscene. Everything about it, from the framing to the pacing to the music, just screams off-brand survival horror. It doesn't help that they use a lot of ty models for the cityscape shots that look like bad PS1 renders. And the villains are hilariously generic (pasty bald british dudes in leather that congregate in grimy places with green lighting, i.e. every sci-fi villain ever). Keifer Sutherland gives the worst performance of his life, playing a mad scientist that for some reasons insists on speaking in increments of just one or two words per breath. In fact, this movie has a lot of people who have done so much better, but clearly couldn't be bothered to try to save this . One thing I can say, though, is that this movie is still kinda entertaining, in spite of everything. Lots of goofy ** to laugh at. Tried to be 12 Monkeys, ended up more like Waterworld. Bottom of the sci-fi barrel. __________________ ---------------------- \|---Mic's Albums---\| ---------------------- ----------------------------- \|---Deafbox Industries---\| -----------------------------

09-27-2018, 04:35 PM	#44 (permalink)
Oriphiel Ask me how! Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: The States Posts: 5,357	Aw, ** yeah! My man! The most pimpin' of all the fops! The Scarlet Pimpernel is a badass spy operating in revolution torn France, working overtime to put an end to the rampant executions staged by the chop-happy guillotien bois, led by the infamous Robespierre. The Frenchies hate this Pimpernel dude, and would love to put him on the block, but there's a problem; they've got no ing clue who he actually is. And they'd certainly never guess that he was actually a notoriously vapid aristocratic dandy who seemingly cares far more about parties and naughty limericks than daring heists and rescues. Add in some sex, violence, and intrigue aplenty, and you've got a timeless story with a bunch of film versions. I've seen one of the versions before, but not this one. I liked this one, though. Maybe not super high budget, but the actors and actresses are skilled enough to bring the core story to life. The actor who plays the Pimpernel in particular is *ing great. Good times. Fun action, witty banter, and charm aplenty. Too bad this is only the first part of the story, the rest being on the other two tapes of a three tape set. And, lo, the person who dumped this beautiful pile of tapes of which I am reviewing did not* deign to leave the whole set. Well, sink me. After the **** shows of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and Dark City, this breath of fresh air is enough to put a sweet orexis of vitality back into my loins and mind alike. __________________ ---------------------- \|---Mic's Albums---\| ---------------------- ----------------------------- \|---Deafbox Industries---\| -----------------------------

09-27-2018, 08:23 PM	#45 (permalink)
Oriphiel Ask me how! Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: The States Posts: 5,357	You know what? This actually wasn't terrible. Pretty good tension. Not the best, but far, far, from the worst. It's worth a watch just for this scene alone, which is probably the most unintentionally hilarious ventriloquist show ever. God, I was cracking up. It's like something Frownland would do to show Jeff Dunham how to make real art. Oh, and there's a fun scene where the killer paints himself up to blend in with a wall, which is the most impractical thing ever, would have taken him hours (and actually, now that I think about it, probably wouldn't have even been possible for him to do all on his own), and would be useless in real life since anyone with depth perception who wasn't looking at you at just the right angle would still see a person jutting out of the wall. But it kinda looks creepy anyway. So, yeah. S'alright. __________________ ---------------------- \|---Mic's Albums---\| ---------------------- ----------------------------- \|---Deafbox Industries---\| -----------------------------

09-29-2018, 05:19 AM	#50 (permalink)
Oriphiel Ask me how! Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: The States Posts: 5,357	Guys, I'm not sure I can finish this movie. It's too much. Val Kilmer gives one of the cringiest performances I've ever seen. Starts with a flashback of the main guy growing up in a strict Catholic orphanage. When he and his bois sneak out of the dorm to meet up with the ladies, one of the nuns/teachers finds out, and she tells the head priest, who CHARGES OUT OF HIS ROOM WITH A BUNCH OF FUCKING ATTACK DOGS and sicks them on some poor girl, who goes flying off the landing and smashes her face on the ground and fucking dies. Like, what? Then the kid grows up to be Val Kilmer, and becomes a freelance spy. And by spy, I mean a guy who stumbles around as awful cultural stereotypes that he calls "disguises". His first disguise? A Russian (i.e. a guy with a Stalin stache) who for some reason has an Australian accent. Bravo, you stupid fuck. Then he gets hired to steal the secret of cold fusion from some scientist lady, and finds out that she has a thing for sensitive guys. So he hangs out at her favorite monument dressed in a Fabio wig and leather pants, and awkwardly flirts with her in a bizarre Tommy Wisseau shit salad of an accent that just makes it sound like he has severe brain damage. Then he stalks her, recites shitty poetry, pulls £800 out of his underwear, and cuts himself. And next thing you know, she's splooshing so hard she has to knock back some pills to keep her heart from exploding. Then he decides that he likes her, and double crosses the overtly evil Russian guys who hired him to steal her research (who are also the same Russian dudes that he robbed at the beginning of the movie, but decided to work for them afterwards, 'cause why not). And, yeah. I fell asleep. And I'm probably not gonna finish this stupid shit. Sorry. Edit: I turned it back on, Crom help me. So the main guy ***ed the lady, decided to go through with the job after all and steal from her, and then acted all surprised when the evil Russians guys who hired him tried to stab him in the back. Aaaaaand now* I'm done with his movie. __________________ ---------------------- \|---Mic's Albums---\| ---------------------- ----------------------------- \|---Deafbox Industries---\| ----------------------------- Last edited by Oriphiel; 09-29-2018 at 05:49 AM.

09-28-2018, 12:03 AM	#46 (permalink)
~~[MERIT]~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Missouri, USA Posts: 4,814	I miss VHS