Advice thread
 

well last night at exactly 4:47 in the morning i woke up too some noise...it was my moms bf telling her he would kill her...so i did what everyone else would do...i grabbed a bat and chased him with it...what should i have done?:bringit:

Too little information to go on, I will require answers to the following questions:

1 - On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being well adjusted suburban white kid, and 10 being hillbilly redneck, where would you rate yourself?

2 - How long is the relationship, and has it been abusive before?

3 - How old are you?

4 - How old are they?

5 - What was the motivation for the statement?

6 - Was anyone involved drunk, and on what?



Those questions should give me enough to work with.

1 - On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being well adjusted suburban white kid, and 10 being hillbilly redneck, where would you rate yourself?

about a 4

2 - How long is the relationship, and has it been abusive before?

about 9 years and yes it has been abusive when i was smaller

3 - How old are you?

16

4 - How old are they?

mom 35

boyfriend like 52 O.o

5 - What was the motivation for the statement?

my mom is skizofrantic and she see's things

6 - Was anyone involved drunk, and on what?

nah

Threats of violence are making everything worse off in this situation. You shouldn't get involved but you should try and convince one or both parties to try and sort out the underlying problems, such as stress with work, each other, or even stress with you.

Stay out of their way and try and help as much as possible in ways not related to the argument, IE cleaning, doing your **** when you're supposed to, and schoolwork should be a priority.

i know but if my mom is in danger either physical/mental im going to do eerything to protect her

Well duh, but aggravating the situation by chasing her BF down the street with a bat just makes things worse because he feels ganged up on and excluded. You're 16 and he's 52. He's bigger and stronger than you if the aes are anythng to go on, and frankly without a bat you're jack **** compared to him.

All you've done is stop one situation and potentially put yourself in the line of fire for the next. YOu haven't actually SOLVED anything.

would me mentioning im traing for junior ufc count for me saying...he isnt shet compared to me lolz

No, it wouldn't count. All it means is you think you're much tougher than you are in this situation.

lol we'll thats besides the point...i think she should leave him... and he should put her down for something she can't really control.

Yeah I'm calling bs.

And Im seconding that. Regardless though GB would still make a good guidance counselor.

I'd have to agree with RezZ. THe sheer amount of times in my life that I have had to give life advice to people, has left me with an almost retardedly good sense of advice in these situations.

To put that into perspective, I have actually had people remark before now, that I'm the only person they know whose ENTIRE friendship circle is comprised of people with some kind of crazy mental issue related to work or family or relationships or something.

that's a really weird coincidence, the other night I was at this bar and this older guy came up to me and started to hit on me and told me a couple of nights ago around 5 o'clock in the morning his bitch took all the covers and he told her he was going to kill her and then his son came in from nowhere and started to chase him with a bat.

The Advice thread
 

There's a lot of wise members on here, all would be happy to help with any problems in your personal life. I thought this would be a nice thread for people to unburden their problems, and get some perspective.

I'll go first... Me and my ex, we were together and it was a short relationship and it was generally a bit of a train wreck. So, I ask you... Can things change over time? She messaged me randomly, after a lot of ill feeling. More on my part than hers, I refused to talk to her a while ago. I decided life's too short to be holding a grudge, one thing led to another and we had a good catch up and we're supposed to be going out for a drink and to go and see a film.
She's a bit mental, clingy and insecure.
I'm pretty much the opposite, I don't want some clingy bint hanging off my shoulder looking for constant attention.
Pretty unsure what to do.
Oh wise forum, help me.

Great idea for a thread!

I will say, in response to your situation, that it is true that things can change over time. It's not always (or even often) the case, but relationships are learning experiences for pretty much everyone, regardless of the length of said relationship.

With that said...

Going out for a drink and to see a film is completely fine and safe. I would say that it's a perfectly all right idea, to let bygones be bygones and catch up a bit.

Since you've already been in a relationship with her, you can use that as an opportunity to see if you notice any changes in her from when you were together. While she may be attempting to project a different image out there in the hopes that you'll give a relationship another go, you have the advantage of knowing her already. You can certainly pick up on any of the negative behaviors she exhibited previously much easier than the next guy.

My main advice is just to go ahead with the drinks and a film, and see how it goes. You probably shouldn't choose to jump into a relationship with her again based on the success of this meeting, but you can use it as a springboard to objectively view the situation as a whole and see where it goes from there.

You can be friendly by all means, and probably should, but if she immediately jumps into talk of how you two should date again, you should probably not allow that to happen - at least not right off the bat.

Basically, just see how it goes. If she, after a bit, gives you legitimate reason to believe that she's changed for the better, then go for it! If not - you'll be able to spot the red flags pretty quickly and get out fast.

Top top advice.
I'm pretty much going to go out for a drink, bite to eat and film etc.
Last time we went out, she tried to put her hands down my pants in public.
I hate public displays of affection, that said - I wasn't completely kind to her.
She's a bit mental and clingy, but she's also really funny and a good person.
I think last time, we jumped into something.
I think going out and seeing what she's like, she says she's changed and grown up a lot etc. so she might be telling the truth.

I'm going to make it clear that we're going for a bite to eat, hanging out.
Rather than putting a "date" stamp on it, if you know what I mean?

Thanks for the advice!

As you can tell from my severly angsty teenage posts everywhere, I "think" i have a lot of problems(most aren't really problems though, by adult standards).
I feel incredibly lonely, I'm in that whole "I'm gonna die alone" mood all the time and I honestly don't see me ever meeting anyone :(
I've never really dated anyone and although I have a few gal pals a lot of the girls at school really hate me. How did you all meet people? Have any of you felt this way? Am I gonna end up like Boo Boo?
I thought i'd post this as my other two dramas you've heard enough about I guess.

I still tell her to fuck off. She's not going to suddenly become mature and unclingy. If it was only a short period you were dating then does it matter? You can tell her you don't hate her but being friends I think would be a step too far.

Yes, it's certainly best not to say it's a "date" at this point especially. That may also deter her from attempting to put her hands down your pants again, but one can never be sure of such things.

At least then, if you're making it clear, she knows that she's going to have to make a legitimate effort to change. Also, that you've distanced yourself from her previously - well, that probably at least got her thinking about what she's done wrong in the past.

And if she says she's "changed", that may not be the case, but that means she's at least thought about things, and might have an idea of what NOT to do at this point. At least she probably tried - which is better than a lot of people, for sure.

I have felt that way before, actually. The way I usually meet people is by becoming involved in a lot of things.

For example, I've met the last three people I've dated in the following ways:

1.) I was involved with directing and performing in a shadowcast of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" for a period of time, which involved interacting with a lot of other performers and audience members (I probably never would have met otherwise) on a weekly basis. This ultimately led to a relationship with a fellow cast member.

2.) I got a job, and often talked to my fellow employees out of necessity and to pass the time. Eventually, a group of us would get together, go out to eat / see a movie / etc. After a while, I left that job, but continued hanging out with that same group of people, ultimately dating one of my former coworkers.

3.) Doing community theatre, you meet new people with every single show you do. You see these people about five days a week most of the time, and build pretty tight relationships with these people. I dated someone in the cast of a show I did.

So basically, just become involved with a lot of things you're interested in! School is a way for some people to meet their significant others, but for a lot of people, particularly people more on the shy side, it's easier in a smaller group.

When the group of people is smaller and all have at least one common interest, that gives you at least one thing to talk about. Also, you generally are going to see those people in the setting of a smaller group, which gives you more opportunity to talk to them.

Like, do you write? Act? Understand / have an interest in working sound or lighting? Play an instrument? Draw or paint? Like reading books?

There are all sorts of organizations you can get involved with. Make sure it's something you like or have an interest in learning about, then go wild!

Oh, James. You are so young. All I can tell you is most teenagers feel the exact same thing in some form or other. I went through it. Just suck it up and try to get through it. In a few short years after puberty, you will see as everyone does how pointless it is to stress over this stuff. You've got a good 60 or 70 years to find someone, so I doubt you will die alone.

She's going to see Linkin Park with her friend in a week as well.
Even more of a reason to fuck her off.
I think I'm still going to go for a drink and stuff, but judge her behaviour.
If she starts touching my in public I definitely won't see her again.
I think it's worth a drink, for old time's sake. Y'know?

I've not been interest in women for a long time (not that I've been interested in men!) but still, I told her this when we were having an in depth chat and she said she wasn't looking for a relationship - because they always seem to go up in flames - that said I think she's lying and she wants to get rogered like a walkie talkie.

Your advice is good, though I remember one time we were in bed.
I text someone... she got up, stormed over to the other side of the room and rang her friend for 20 minutes and ignored my existence. :laughing:

I think it's because I text another girl while I was with her, and she did it to teach me a lesson. I just called her a mentalist :laughing:

So THAT's the type of girl I'm dealing with, I doubt she's totally got rid of them insecurities but if she's got rid of most of them then who knows? It's certainly worth a drink and a bite to eat, and I can judge her motives etc.

I'm doing the school play this year actually. I guess I could get involved with more things. I need to get healthier as well.

You need to stop comparing yourself to Boo Boo for sure, though. That guy resigned himself to his situation a while ago. Self fulfilling prophecies are real. They happen all the time. Try to have a positive attitude in everything you do. Trying to do that for myself is one of the best things I ever did.

I also feel this way. I'm stuck with people who look like miniature models, and I feel like I'm a little left out.

I think my height might be a problem. I'm only 4'9" with size three feet and all of the attractive girls are 5'6", which is a little discouraging, how genetics says I'm only going to be 5'2" when I'm an adult.

You guys are so entertaining. Dayvan, seriously don't worry about your height. You are a girl. Girls don't need to worry about being short. In fact, I love short girls. Shorties are so damn cute.

I have a scenario that I want to bounce off you guys for input. I'm not at a total loss for what to do, but I think challenging my judgment is a good exercise from time to time, and I can't think of a better group of people to help me do that.

Ok, so I've been talking (via Facebook) to this girl that my sister set me up with (I know, I know... but my sister is a good person with good judgment) and although we haven't even officially met, it's getting to the point where I need to ask her out somewhere to meet and talk face to face or else the momentum will fade.
She's the same age as I am (29) and really sweet, intelligent, pretty, etc.
Thing is, I know if I we start dating and we enjoy each other's actual company and personalities, etc, it's very likely to become a serious thing... and I don't know how I really feel about that. In one hand, she seems to be the kind of girl I shouldn't pass up. I don't normally come across a plethora of women who aren't total party slut cock gobblers... or women my age that aren't hitched and with a family.
And in the other hand, I'm not sure if I want a relationship right now. I haven't been in a real relationship in a good while, and I do love the freedom... and I like being able to focus strictly on school and developing my career, but somehow I think I'm just avoiding having to work at a relationship, even though I'm happier when I'm in one.

So there's this conflict of what I want, even though I know I should just go for it and see what happens. I just don't know if I'm resisting for the right reasons, or just deluding myself into creating a logical argument against the possibility of a serious relationship based on some kind of irrational fear.

Anyone have any perspectives?
(preferably those based on a little experience, but I'm not too picky.)

So, you've met a sweet intelligent hottie who's your age - when most of the people your age are either married/settled down or getting rogered more times than a walkie talkie. And you're apprehensive about going out and having a little fun with her just in case it gets more serious? Going out a few times, keeping it casual, having a bit of fun doesn't mean it needs to be serious. Can't you dictate the pace of it? Take control etc.

Summary: You'd be mad to pass up a hot sweet intelligent girl because of what "might happen".

Hope this helps. But it probably won't.

It's not a "might". I already know she's on board. And I already know that I'll cave anyway. I was just wondering why I'm resisting it.
We're both 29... There's more than a fair chance that we're not just out to meet new people and have fun. I don't really expect you to fully understand that though.

You know she's on board? You've been talking about the possibilities of a serious relationship before you've met in person?
I think it's the things you don't do that you regret, what's the worst that could come of it?
If you don't you may look back and see her reasonably settled down, if that's what she's looking for at the moment - and you might think damn, I should have took the chance.

I don't fully understand two people who have never met discussing a 'serious' relationship, no. I just assumed you were chatting on Facebook and flirting a little bit, getting ready to meet up and go out for the first time. I didn't realise two people who have never met could have a talk about a possible future serious relationship. I guess you must be weirdly close to get to that stage?

And I have no idea why you're resisting it, if you're happier when you're in a relationship. Focusing on a career while working at a relationship sounds great. Doesn't it?

Dude, you don't have to actually talk about being in a serious relationship (loosely translated to something more than weekend fuck-buddies) to have a pretty good idea of what the person is looking for.

I probably should have mentioned that she's been a friend of my sister for years, and my sister used to talk about me all the time when I was in the Army, so she's [the friend] got more of a background on me than I do on her, and she made it pretty clear that she wants to act on that info. And based on the discussions we've had (regardless of them being on Facebook) it's obvious that she's the kind of girl who goes for the relationship. Assuming I don't show up as some complete jackass and completely ruin the idea, and knowing myself enough to know that if I dig a girl beyond a sexual attraction that it usually ends up serious. The only variable is her, and based on what I've both heard from my sister, and from her, it's not hard to figure out the odds. Yes, I'm assuming... but it's an educated guess.

But all that is irrelevant. Most of your response isn't even focused on the question. I wanted insight on what's holding me back from the possibility of being in a serious relationship right now. Thanks for your input...

Well, I don't know - you said you're happier when you're in a relationship.
I say go for it and make yourself happy.
I can't think of a single reason why you're apprehensive about giving it a go if I'm honest.
It wouldn't be a "serious relationship" to start with would it? No harm in going out a few times, trying to build something and entering into something. If it got too serious for your liking, and you feel it's not something you need right now - you could always end it and remain friends. This girl seems to tick all the right boxes, and you're a guy that likes being in a relationship.

sorry to be a cunt and dive right in the middle of your conversation, but i'm in a bit of a pickle here although my mind is leaning towards one end of the decision, i just need someone's two-penneth.

basically; i went to leeds festival a few years ago with my friends and loads of stuff kicked off involving malicious lies and we stopped speaking, well, on the most part we drifted apart a lot but then gradually it resulted in us not speaking all together. so basically i have no friends where i am apart from this one girl who i'm kind of friends with but kind of not at the same time. i met a bunch of people online who i would consider my only friends now and i see them quite often, however not as often as i'd like as they all live two hours+ away from me. they're all absolutely amazing people and some of the best i've ever met, amongst who is a girl i'm really into but won't commit to anything with due to distance. it came up in conversation the other day about a few of them moving in together and how it would be great for me to also move to sheffield and live with them.

i know i definitely need a change in my life and i think this could be it. but i don't know, it's a pretty monumental leap for me to take, so i just don't know what to do. the first obstacle is finding a job there and getting the time out of my current job to travel over for interviews etc.. i know it would be pretty stupid on the most part for me not to go ahead and take the risk, but i'm just torn because i do love liverpool a hell of a lot but it brings me down just as much.

thoughts?

Do it, Liverpool is a shit hole.

You're a Manc! Surely the scummiest place in the Universe, surely?!

You've been here once and went to the docks, go away! Liverpool is absolutely amazing but I'm just needing some new surroundings for sure. Arghhh. Torn.

In all seriousness, Manchester is fucking wonderful. The centre of the universe.

But why are you torn? It sounds like there's not much there for you in Liverpool.
Sure, your family.
But you can always visit.
Job search in Sheffield, if you're lucky enough to land one - give me one good reason why you shouldn't go?
Considering it's similar/better pay than what you're already on in Liverpool... then you'd be mad not to. It might all be moot if you can't find a job, then the decision is made for you - you're staying in Liverpool.

You say you met them over the interwebz (where the finest people in the world are, internet weirdos > IRL people.) but how long have you known them? If it's a substantial amount of time and you aren't rushing into something with people you don't know too well then it sounds great.

Summary: Look for a job, if you find one - go. If you don't, stay.

Well that's the thing... I know there's no pressure, and there are outs, and that I would like to be in a relationship with someone who isn't either a slut, nor a slut who cheats on you with a fry cook while you're in Iraq, nor a Dirty Gertrude McHelga. So in this scenario, it's very likely to be a win.

So why am I finding the idea both compelling and repulsive, for lack of a better word? I know I'm not afraid of commitment, as I was engaged to a woman who, afterward, cheated on me with a fry cook while I was in Iraq... So could it be that? Or have I just grown too fond of being free to do what I want, even though it's neither emotionally nor physically healthy in any way when it comes down to how I spend my free time?
Or am I just thinking?
I gotta say, I never thought my way into a relationship before. They all just kinda happened before I knew they were happening, over the course of being intoxicated. Maybe that's my problem. Being sober... (as an alcoholic, this is awesome news)

The only good thing about Manchester is the city centre, everywhere else is a complete atrocity :( sorry but it is! As soon as I step outside of town I can feel my soul being sucked out of my body!

I'm torn cos I'm stepping off familiar turf innit, not sure what the plunge is gonna have in store for me but then I'll never know unless I try. And nah I've known them for coming up to two years, I've been to festivals and stuff with them and there's one or two people I've met I'd actually trust with my life, they're definitely the best friends I've ever had. I wouldn't be going if I'd never met them like, I just see it as them being friends that I also happen to speak to online as well. I'm gonna search for a job, got til next July.

It's not Fry Cook, it's ROD.
ROD is the guy "rodding" your missus, so to speak.
I think it could come down to past experiences, I'd imagine being cheated on while you're in Iraq would be quite a horrible thing - right now, maybe your life is all fine and well and you're happy. Though you know you could be happier, because you're a guy that likes being in a relationship but past experiences are holding you back?
Maybe you're overthinking things because of the past, and you should let the chips fall where they may. Maybe this hottie who seemingly ticks all the right boxes, actually won't. Or maybe she'll be the best thing that ever happened to you. You can't just walk into a serious relationship, so why not go out a few times and let things happen. Go with the flow. Don't let past experiences leave you with future regret.


STFU.
Manchester is a haven.

If you take the plunge and it falls to bits, I'm sure you can always move back with your folks.
They're getting a house by next July? 8ish months to find a job.
Go for it. I have a couple of friends in Sheffield, they seem to be very happy.
Cunts.
Everyone I know has fucked off to Uni and I never see them anymore. :(

I don't know if I'm bothered or what still about my friends all ****ing off and not speaking to me over some ridiculous lies. I'm not sure. I spoke to one of my friends the other day for the first time in two years on Facebook, it was odd.

Why did you not go to Uni Michael?